Ace prevaricator: Herman Cain

By Luke Warm

Professor of Mendacity

University of Munchausen

Students, I would apologize for once more violating my pledge to stick with the syllabus for this class, Mentirization 101. My scripture today normally would come straight from my textbook, “Lying for Fun and Money,” published by Buncombe University Press and for sale at $1,001 plus tax where applicable or not.

But why would I apologize to you for breaking a promise, when this class is all about broken vows and pulling wool over people’s eyes? Lying, in short, is the heart’s blood of our lesson, and therefore, it is your privilege to live through the screen of lies I toss out in this class.

But I digress.

I would like to deviate from script today to toss laurels at the small band of campaign managers working for Herman Cain.

What virtuosos these men are at pulling all the appropriate strings that control the half-truths, smears and downright bald-faced lies necessary to keep a modern political campaign afloat.

Such deceptions are all the more necessary when the candidate is being chased by haridans of righteousness who point the accusatory finger of sexual harassment at a vital male candidate who as we all know from press reports undoubtedly committed the offenses of groping and fondling and outright propositioning of female employees he supervised as head of the National Restaurant Association.

The beauty of the Herman Cain situation, as seen from our ivory tower, is the seeming hopelessness of the man’s position. Early on, his misbehavior was reported in the media, but the victims refused to speak out. Others who knew of the circumstances spoke for them.

Herman Cain took appropriate measures: He denied, denied, denied.

Better yet, he attacked, attacked, attacked.

He blamed a fellow Republican candidate for starting the sexual harassment story. When that failed to quell the uproar, he blamed the press.

Blaming the media is always a good idea. Journalists have less credibility with the public than politicians. Why, journalists rank below professors of mendacity!

Now that real women have put their faces and voices behind the accusations, Herman Cain has his work cut out for him. Standing away from the fray for a moment, I am obliged to say that I actually believe the women. Why? Because they have nothing to gain and everything to lose from exposing themselves and their near and dear to the withering fire not only of Herman Cain and his ax-tonged hangers-on, but because these accounts of gross behavior which agree with each other in general are coming from people with no connection to each other and again, people who have no reason to expect monetary gain from telling the truth.

For a liar like Herman Cain, such adversaries present a gigantic challenge. How does he offset the truth with flim-flam? First one woman came out with her story of outrageous misbehavior by Herman Cain. The woman has financial problems, including two bankruptcies, and Herman Cain appropriately pounced on those weaknesses and exposed them for all the world to see.

While I commend him for his bravura performance, I caution you, students, that Herman Cain is treading on dangerous ground here. He has made the unwise claim that he does not know this woman, yet he has access to all sorts of financial and other background about her. He doesn’t know her, and yet he KNOWS her!

I would warn you against making this kind of mistake. In their haste to discredit a powerful witness, one whose credibility is without real question, they have stepped into the trap of self-contradiction. That trap already shows signs of springing on Herman Cain, given that The New York Times has pointed it out.

The path of prevarication is a difficult way. It is easy to fall into the error of inconsistency. While Herman Cain’s approach has not been perfect, I am impressed with his ability to rebound from a blunder.

Now that a second accuser has emerged, compounding veracity is likely to overwhelm this man’s campaign. Oh yes, polls show Republican voters still like him. For the moment. But will they still like him if he continues pounding these women, who claim to have been his victims?

I perceive signs from the Herman Cain campaign that Herman Cain may belatedly recognize that double-victimization — groping the women then and denying it now while vilifying the victims — could reflect poorly on him as time goes on.

Walloping the Democrats was a brilliant idea. It is so easy to beat on the Dems, and they are such wimps that they absorb abuse without whimpering. Shifting the focus away from the victims and toward the other political party was a move tinged with genius.

If Herman Cain keeps hammering the Democrats, he may be able to chase away his emerging image of sexual predator. But here is the danger for a liar like Herman Cain: Haranguing the Democrats is a small patch over the huge hole that has been blown in Herman Cain’s credibility. If the two women amplify their descriptions of Herman Cain’s foul personality, he will need lies more powerful than finger-pointing at GOP candidates, Democrats and an unemployed woman whose very financial difficulties may come to be seen as the result of his wanton disrespect for her as a woman. And if a third woman should come forth — watch out, Herman Cain!

I foresee that Herman Cain will soon require lies of a magnitude that are beyond the capacity of his small staff to generate or even to imagine.

What Herman Cain needs right now to re-orient his image is a series of distortions bordering on the delusional.

In short, Herman Cain needs a Professor of Mendacity to steer his campaign off the shoal waters of truth and back into the deep ocean of fabrication.

Such a practitioner of the mendacious art does not come cheap.

I know of such an expert in the art of deception.

Me.

Now, back to my lecture on “Duplicity as High Art.”