Big Ed’s ghost

By Joel Thurtell

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We at JOTR are firm DISBELIEVERS in any kind of occult happenings, yet the appearance of an e-mail purportedly from the Other World piqued our curiosity. Its claim to have come from the late Wayne County executive, Edward McNamara, by itself seemed to argue for its genuineness. Why in the world would someone NOT Ed McNamara claim to be him? While we make no claims for the bona fides of the actual letter, the shrewd advice it contains seems true to Big Ed’s character.

From: Edward McNamara, Chief Executive of Cloud Nine

To: Paul Anger, Chief Executive of a Stumbling Newspaper

Dear Mr. Anger:

Back when I ran the Democratic political machine in Detroit/Wayne County, which is to say, when I ran THE political machine, things sure were different. In the day, if I wanted to place a story in your newspaper, I had to really work for it. Typically, I’d have my minion make a call to one or the other of his moles at the Free Press, some reporter we paid off with hot tips that scooped your rival, the Detroit Snooze.

I’m telling you, Mr. Anger, we had to use our noggins back then. Oh sure, they called us the Livonia Mafia, but we had to make connections and wield real influence. Money helped, but it didn’t buy newspaper space.

Hell, and I don’t use that term lightly, if we saw a story coming in your paper that WE DIDN’T LIKE, well, we had to really push to keep the lid on. Believe me, we did it, but we had to threaten and cajole. You know, there were such things as tax abatements that could save you folk millions as long as pols like me pulled the strings. A hint to the appropriate editor, and some reporter would wonder where his story went.

Down the drain, dumbie!

But as I say, them was the days of hard work. It’s a hell — oops, didn’t mean that. It’s a WHOLE lot easier now that we pols can buy our stories and buy our ad placement.

That come as a surprise to you, Paul my lad?

Now that you Freepsters are coordinating news with the likes of Humana, Inc. and Target, why stop with insurance companies and chain department stores?

For every eager businessman wanting to manipulate your news stories, there must be a hundred pols like me, LIVING pols, ready to drain their political action committee treasuries straight into your advertising coffers.

I mean, come on, Paul, it’s only fair. If a business like Humana can goose its story ideas into your pages, and if Target can have its ads placed and timed like it wants them, why can’t politicians call some shots of their own?

Here’s what I’m thinking, Paul, and see if this would work for you newsies: Say one of my creatures, one of my LIVING political descendants like maybe the guv want to pressure those Republican nerds in the state Legislature. Why not drop a hint to some editor about her story idea, then have her PAC drop a bundle to pay for an ad to coincide with the story she planted?

Wouldn’t that be neat?

If anybody cries foul, you just say you get your story ideas from all over, and you don’t discriminate. Would it be fair to let businesses yank your chain but not politicians?

Don’t tell me your ethics won’t allow it.

Your ethics let you time and place ads for Humana and Target.

Not only that, Paul, but you didn’t tell your readers. Those companies bamboozled you, and you bamboozled the audience.

You opened a window, and let the devil fly in.

How can you refuse to let us politicos call the shots for our ads?

I know this could get dicey if Republicans and Democrats start squabbling for the same space.

No problemo. Remember, I was a big frequent flier with the airlines and they have your answer:

Double book those political ads.

Think about this, Paul-O, you could save a hell — excuse me — a BUNCH of bucks in payroll if you laid off your whole (excepting you!) staff and let the pols write copy for free.

If anyone complains you’re giving up your independence, just tell them the politicians are all, each and every one of them, independent operators. Each is out for Number One. Couldn’t have more independence than a House and Senate full of Demos and GOPsters scrambling to be the next guv.

Besides, Paul Baby, you have no choice: You opened the door. You sold your independence away.

You did it for not one, but two private companies.

Now you gotta give the same rights to everyone.

Only fair, Paul my son.

Tell you what, kiddo, I see a big, big mess waiting for you to clean up.

What if you say a big big NO and someone sues ’cause fair is fair? You gotta do for all what you did for two.

I liked it better when I could make a little promise here, a little threat there. Amazing how fast a story could die.

Why, we even got the FBI to wave bye-bye!

Gotta hand it to you Freepies — not many people could figure a way to make money out of being snookered.

Drop me a line at joelthurtell@gmail.com