Sue, Scrue & Gowge
Attorneys at Law
1 One Street
Detroit, MI 48226
CONFIDENTIAL!!!
To: All partners and associates
Re: Latest client fee schedule
Note that hourly rates for most clients have not changed. They will remain ipso facto at the current rate of $1,000 per hour for consultation, research, telephone calls and general nose-picking.
However, news reports suggest that a prominent Detroit area billionaire may be shopping for a new law firm.
Let us repeat: BILLIONAIRE!!!
Deep pockets!!!
Let us repeat:
DEEP POCKETS!!!!!
Mansions in Grosse Pointe!!!
Bloomfield Hills!!!
Villas in France!!!
Ocean-going yachts!!!
Therefore, if this person or representatives from this person should contact the firm, a new set of fee guidelines is to be posted at all public places in the office, namely above, below and around the primary and secondary water coolers.
Res ipse loquitur.
This action is to be done as quickly and surreptitiously as possible.
Not only does this potential client represent the possibility of gigantic numbers of billable hours.
But this potential client also represents a guaranteed GIANT PAIN IN THE ASS!!!
What we will have with this client is a stretching of possible legal remedies to a level not just bordering on, but actually EXCEEDING the escape velocity of a Saturn rocket with a payload of — to be polite — sewage.
Beware: Veteran members of the bar have retched upon hearing the enormity of the (shall we say) fictions this potential client will demand his law firm to endorse.
Quod erat demonstrandum!
Keep in mind that if you believe your client’s lies, then the attorney him or herself is not per se or in se a liar.
Mansions!!!
Bloomfield Hills!!!
Villas!!!
France!!!
Yachts!!!
Therefore, QED, we will be justified in extorting humongous wads of cash from this potential client if he should materialize.
The hourly rate for billing this potential client ergo will be fixed at $10,000 per hour.
No, actually, res gestae, $10,000 shall be the MINIMUM billable rate for this client.
In other words, the SKY shall be the only LIMIT.
The name of this potential client is:
Mxxxxx Mxxxxx
(Name deleted for client confidentiality)
However, to be clear, should this potential sugar daddy appear, here is what he looks like:
M**** M***** Photo by Joel Thurtell.
Correction: The hourly rate posted above was in error and should actually be $5,000 per hour for general nose-picking.
