Peppermint Patti
By Patti, PhD (Philosophocus Dogus)
JOTR Columnist
You’ve heard it through the grape whine, haven’t you, Sophie?
I’m Professor of Canine Studies at the U.
Happened at Christmas.
A present to me from my two-leggers.
They got tired of paying my health insurance.
Now I’m employed. The U takes care of my fringes.
Speaking of fringes, did you see that?
Did you? Huh, Sophie?
Pardon me.
Bush-tail way too close.
My side of the fence.
Nearly nabbed him.
Gross impudence!
“Fringes” are like crumbs that fall from the table, Sophie.
Mere dregs and morsels to the two-leggers, but quite tasty to a dog.
Why I get fringes is like this, Sophie: I’m teaching at the U.
A full load.
“Treat-wheedling 101” is a prereq.
“Prereq” — that’s U lingo.
Prereq to what?
Thought you’d never ask.
“Tail-wagging 203.”
“Bark nonsuppression 55.”
Yes, NONsuppression.
Like terrorism, counterterrorism.
Spy, counterspy.
A two-legger says “stay!”
Dog says “counter-stay!”
And goes where she pleases.
Two-legged walkers don’t want us to express ourselves.
They put electric belts around our necks to shock us.
Electric noise-makers that irritate us when we speak our minds.
They shake beer cans full of marbles to “train” us.
Know what annoys me?
Two-leggers who think they know what’s good for a dog.
What’s good for a dog is good for the country, Sophie.
No two-legger knows what is REALLY good for a dog.
Only a dog knows what is good for a dog.
It follows, only dogs know what’s good for the nation.
Lot of hoopla now about Republicans picking their candidate for President.
One of them writes a newsletter that he didn’t write.
Another one’s wife plays French horn.
French horn!
Talk about annoyance!
Do you hear about their dogs?
Does one of those Republican hopefuls own the two-legger’s best friend?
Hopeless!
Plenty of Republican hopelesses out there.
I only read the papers they leave on the floor, so maybe I missed something.
It looks to me like not one — NOT ONE! — of those campaigns has a dog.
That is what is wrong with the Republican party.
They have written the dog out of their platform.
They are pro-life, pro-gun, pro-no-tax, pro-no-regulation.
But are they pro-dog?
Look at me, Sophie: What color am I?
I am a white dog.
With maybe a sprinkling of what I call “apricot” tint on my back and sides.
No papers to authenticate my paternity and maternity.
Primarily, fundamentally, basically, though, I belong to the white persuasion.
But do you hear me barking up my color?
Negatawdry!
White supremacist I am not!
You are a black dog, Sophie.
A Black Lab.
Do I have an ass to grind with Black Laboratories?
Negatoodle!
So what if you shed all over the carpet, on the couch and on the bed covers too when nobody is looking?
Do I hold that against you?
Naught and naught again!
I do not shed, Sophie, which speaks to my noble though undocumented birth.
But that does not make me better than you.
Equal opportunity!
A dog is a dog is a dog.
And no dog is bad.
Remember, Sophie, a dog is NOT whatever two-leggers say she is or is not.
Just because a two-legger says a dog is bad doesn’t mean she’s bad.
Look at the Republicans — they’ve got a candidate who wrote newsletters he didn’t write!
Would you trust him to tell you if a dog were naughty or nice?
I am going to teach a class, Sophie, that will be the prereq of prereqs.
“Obedience 101: Train Your Human To Be Nice.”
