By Walker Punt
JOTR dramatist
A play in three acts
ACT ONE
Scene: Impressario Bridge board room. Puppy Dog bounces in and spots The Old Man slumped in an overstuffed leather chair. A large scale model of a suspension bridge sits on a table, but The Old Man seems oblivious. He appears depressed. Puppy Dog is very excited. Sight of his old daddy down in the mouth does not slow him down.
PUPPY DOG: What’s a matta, daddy? Why you so sad?
THE OLD MAN: They got my number, kiddo. That dingblasted judge is gonna make me tear down my lovely gas station and my oh so profitable duty free store that I built on MY PROPERTY that I — heh-heh — heisted from the city of Detroit. We’re in a corner this time, kiddo.
PUPPY DOG: Come on, daddy-o. Buck up! When our back’s to the wall is when we start to fight. Ain’t that right? Huh? That’s what you taught me, daddy-o.
THE OLD MAN: It’s different this time, kiddo. Before, we had all the media eatin’ outa our hands. Either that, or they just plain ignored us when we pulled our little pranks. What a blast it was back then — why, kiddo, we could get away with just about anything. Remember when we closed down the city boat launch? Took years for someone to notice. Back then, we had Mayor Kookoo we could count on. That guy was so crooked, his idea of straight was us, and we’re crookeder than Mr.K’s whole clan.
PUPPY DOG: It’s not as bad as that, daddy-o. We still got some media friends we can count on.
THE OLD MAN: Name one.
PUPPY DOG: Well, we got Stump Damper.
THE OLD MAN: Stump Damper is our man. He’s president of the Impressario Bridge Company. He’s for us cause we pay him to be on our side.
PUPPY DOG: Well, daddy-o, you taught me the only real friends are the ones you pay for. You know, like all those politicians we bought. Same goes for family. Why, daddy-o, if you weren’t a billionaire, I’d be outa here faster’n a tick off a dead flea. But listen up, daddy-o. I got one of my ideas that I think will do the trick. Get us some real positive attention again and make people think we care about the greater good instead of showin’ us up to be the greedy hoods we are.
THE OLD MAN seems not to hear: See, Puppy Dog, back when the press ignored us, nobody knew who we were or what a piece of crap our bridge is. Now the word is out. How do we squash a rep like we got?
PUPPY DOG: Well, we got at least one pal in the press, I’m sure of that.
THE OLD MAN: Does he own the paper?
PUPPY DOG: Oh yeah, right. Whooper Mord. He’s our pal, one of us billionaires. Yes, he helps. But I’m thinkin’ of one of the peons who suck up to us. A lowly reporter. We don’t have to pay them, not leastwise with money.
THE OLD MAN: A lowly, snivelin’ reporter. Those guys are like mange on a mongrel. Scum as bad as us.
PUPPY DOG: Which is why we can use ’em.
THE OLD MAN: Well, we got judges stickin’ it to us for stealin’ roads and parks from the city of Detroit and of course it’s true, but we got lawyers sayin’ it’s six ways of bullcrap and grindin’ us all kinds of smoke and it ain’t doin’ us no good, Puppy Dog. It worked once, but not no more.
PUPPY DOG: We gotta shift people’s eyes off the truth, daddy-o. People are stupid, you know that. If we can fire up some great big phony piece of crap and get some ink, get everybody talkin’ about it, the public will forget what’s true and follow our lead.
THE OLD MAN: How you gonna stoke this lie, kiddo?
PUPPY DOG: Ever hear of a blue herrin’? Like the color of our bridge. Wait till you hear this one. Okay, we’re getting crap for havin’ a piss-poor bridge that can’t pass the mustard. They say, What if there’s an emergency, what if somebody torpedoes our bridge or what if one of our gas tankers that’s illegally crossing the Impressario blows up and takes the bridge? Or what if all that gas we keep under our illegal duty-free store goes up and takes the bridge? What’re we gonna do?
THE OLD MAN: Good question, what’re we gonna do? We’d be in deep shit, that’s what.
PUPPY DOG: Not if we had a spare bridge.
THE OLD MAN: I didn’t get to be a billionaire payin’ for spare bridges, kiddo.
PUPPY DOG: Like I said, it’s a blue herrin’. A diversion. We don’t really do nothin’. We just say we’re gonna do it, which is build a spare bridge.
THE OLD MAN: What kind of a spare bridge?
PUPPY DOG: Well, I’m wingin’ it here, but this is what we’ll float to the press. Hey, that’s it! Float! We’ll float that we’re gonna have a floatin’ bridge!
THE OLD MAN: A floatin’ bridge? Are you nuts? Who ever heard of a floatin’ bridge?
PUPPY DOG: The Army does it. It’s called a ‘pontoon.’
THE OLD MAN: The Army don’t put pontoons over the Detroit River! Why, Puppy Dog, there’s a stiff current and we got thousands of cars crossin’ our bridge. Whoever heard of a floatin’ bridge like that?
PUPPY DOG: That’s what’s so cool about it. And I know just how to float it. Watch this.
Puppy dog punches buttons on telephone.
ACT TWO
Scene: Newsroom of Detroit Filibuster, a newspaper. Telephone rings on City Desk. Writer Bob Kneecap reaches for phone.
KNEECAP: Hello, Detroit Filibuster, City Desk. Bob Kneecap speaking.
PUPPY DOG: Bobby-o, what’s shakin’?
KNEECAP: Oh, hi, Puppy Dog. That’s my question. What’s shakin’ in the world of crappy bridges?
PUPPY DOG: Bobby, I am not offended. I know you must appear to your newsroom cronies to be an objectively cynical, jaded news hound who doesn’t give a shit except for a hot story. No bitterness here. Because I come bearing a gift. How’d you like an exclusive?
KNEECAP: Exclusive what?
PUPPY DOG: Story! An Exclusive story.
KNEECAP: What’s it about?
PUPPY DOG: We’re gonna build another bridge, Bobby-o.
KNEECAP: So what’s new?
PUPPY DOG: A floatin’ bridge.
KNEECAP: A what?
PUPPY DOG: It’s gonna float!
KNEECAP: What’s it gonna float on?
PUPPY DOG: Float on? Hmmm. Hadn’t thought that far. Hmmm. Hmmm. (Pauses. Looks at model of bridge. Sees model of truck. Eyes fall on tires.) Inner tubes!
KNEECAP: A bridge that carries thousands of trucks and cars a day is gonna float on inner tubes? That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard of.
PUPPY DOG: Exclusive story. Want me to fax you the press release?
KNEECAP: Press release? I thought this was an exclusive.
PUPPY DOG: Okay, nix on the release. You want the story?
KNEECAP: A bridge that floats on inner tubes is an architectural absurdity. If I swallowed that story, I would look like an idiot and so would the Detroit Filibuster.
PUPPY DOG: Exclusive to the Filibuster.
KNEECAP: Nobody else has it?
PUPPY DOG: You my man.
KNEECAP: Total idiocy, Puppy Dog. What’s The Old Man say?
PUPPY DOG: Total idiocy. But you can’t print that.
KNEECAP: What CAN I print?
PUPPY DOG: That we’re as usual thinking of the public good and have surmounted the problem of emergency bridge traffic with a portable bridge that will float. When a ship comes along, we’ll simply move the inner tubes out of its way.
KNEECAP: What happens to the cars and trucks that’re on the bridge when you shuffle the inner tubes?
PUPPY DOG: Covered by insurance.
KNEECAP: You sure it’s all mine? No leaks to TV or the other papers?
PUPPY DOG: You my man!
KNEECAP: Fax it over.
ACT THREE
Scene: Impressario Bridge board room. Puppy Dog is unloading doughnuts from cardboard boxes. The Old Man lines them up alongside the model of his bridge. When he has a string of greasy doughnuts stretching beside the bridge model, he picks up model cars and pretends they’re driving over the doughnuts.
THE OLD MAN: Vrooom! Vrooom! This is fun, Puppy Dog! And this floatin’ bridge works to my satisfaction. The idea, after research and development, proves to be sound, after all.
PUPPY DOG: I’ll tell Bob Kneecap our engineers tested it and it works.
THE OLD MAN: Nice job handling Kneecap, Puppy Dog. I’m proud of you. This goes to show, Puppy Dog, what I taught you. Too bad Whooper Mord never learned this. It would have saved him a lot of money and grief. Rule Number One In The Newspaper Biz: You don’t have to OWN a newspaper to CONTROL it!
END
