By Joel Thurtell
General Grant’s sentry continues to wow us with exclusive stories about Civil War life. Cautionary note: Parts of the sentry’s account may be offensive to some persons due to references to voluntary flatus. If that is the case with you, please read no further. There are plenty of articles within this blog that will, we hope, please you without causing adverse reactions to mention of Civil War generals engaging in flatulent entertainments:
I’ve been informed by some know-it-all that Lew Wallace’s book about Ben-Hur didn’t come out till after the Civil War.
For all I know, that may be true.
But I was standin’ by General Grant’s tent when General Wallace come by every day to talk about his book, an’ General Grant was all ears.
What people don’t understan’ is that authors, especially ones that are general officers, like to talk about their books before they write ’em.
They like to write about their books beforehand, too.
General Grant done that with his Memoirs. Hell, he didn’t start writin’ them Memoirs till he was done bein’ President in ’76. Think that stopped him talkin’ ’bout what he was gonna put in there?
He run it all by Lew Wallace, sort of quid pro quo like. General Grant done Lew a favor listenin’ to all that goofy Roman stuff. Why, General Grant even give General Wallace tips on how to write the chariot race scenes, on ‘count of General Grant is real good with horses.
General Wallace, he helped General Grant by tellin’ him to hold off on puttin’ in his Memoirs that he was gonna run against President Lincoln in ’64.
“Let Abe have this one, General Grant,” said General Wallace. “You got a war to fight.”
They got separated by the War, but that didn’t stop ’em from jabbering on Facebook.
It all begun like this. General Grant, he got a e-mail that said:
Hi, Ulysses,
Here’s some activity you may have missed on Facebook.
General Robert E. Lee, General William Tecumseh Sherman and General Lew Wallace with five other Confederate generals and six Union generals have posted statuses, jaypegs and more on Facebook.
You have missed some popular stories:
General Robert E. Lee posted a jaypeg of him lighting a fart through his Confederate gray trousers.
General William Tecumseh Sherman commented that he liked General Lee’s fart, but wished he had saved his breath for when the South surrenders. General Lew Wallace said the rebel generals should use the gas to float their asses down the Mississip.
General Lew Wallace didn’t like the tone of General Lee’s flatus at all an’ so he sent a e-mail to General Grant complainin’ that nobody liked him on Facebook. He e-mailed General Grant a plan for a big attack on the Confederates, but General Grant said it was useless ’cause it was set in Roman times.
Futhermore, General Grant figured out that General Wallace got his whole division lost on the way to the Battle of Shiloh on ‘count of tryin’ to print out a copy of Ben-Hur an’ got the tractor feed all bolloxed up so he couldn’t print out General Grant’s Mapquest directions.
General Grant done all a General Lew Wallace’s thinkin’ for him with step-by-step how to proceed through woods and over dale and across the Tennessee River an’ General Ben-Hur thought his book was bigger than the Civil War.
Guess we know how that come out.
Stay tuned for more amazing insights into how the North won the Civil War with deft usage of social media.
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