By Joel Thurtell
We continue the saga of the Civil War as seen by General Grant’s sentry:
What I like about General Grant is his common touch. It is easy to talk to him, even if what you have to say is not very kind or delicate.
So it was with the guy President Lincoln sent around to sniff out what brand of whiskey General Grant drinks.
I don’t think President Lincoln meant any harm.
All he wanted to know was what brand of hooch General Grant is into so he can send a barrel of the general’s favorite fire water to every Union general.
Get it? Lincoln likes what General Grant is doin’. “He fights,” says President Lincoln.
Maybe if the other Union generals get drunk on General Grant’s whiskey, they will fight, also.
Some people in the Army had got to talkin’ about General Grant’s drinkin’.
More to the point, they were lettin’ on that General Grant was drunk a good share of the time.
General Halleck was one of them that was badmouthin’ General Grant behind his back.
“Old Brains,” they call Halleck.
Old tub of lard is more like it.
Man couldn’t fight his way out of a one-sided privy.
General Grant was very polite to the man President Lincoln sent to find out what kind of whiskey he drinks.
General Grant said, “Here!” And he poured the man a shot.
But it was lemonade!
Nobody ever did find out what brand of whiskey the general drinks.
I was on the look-see after that, but I never did see him take a snort. So naturally, I couldn’t tell what he was drinkin’.
Before anybody could think about whiskey, we was ridin’ a steamboat up the Tennessee toward Pittsburg Landing. That’s where Shiloh Church was at.
They coulda named the battle after Pitsburg Landing, but “Shiloh” has a ring about it.
Speakin’ of rings, man did we get ring tones all the way up to the landing, 12 miles on that sidewheeler.
All the way, General Grant was worryin’ about Lew.
“What happened to ‘Ben-Hur’?” he kep’ sayin’. “How’s the book turn out?”
Meantime, General Sherman kep’ sendin’ reminders on Facebook.
General Grant got a little irked.
“I got a battle to fight, and all Sherman thinks about is us bein’ Facebook pals,” General Grant snorted.
Didn’t sound like a good way to start a friendship, if you ask me.
Which nobody did.
But I sold General Grant short.
First thing on the general’s mind when we stepped off that steamboat was what General Sherman was havin’ for breakfast.
A colonel come over and tol’ General Grant General Sherman was too busy for breakfast on account of he was fightin’ johnny rebs in the Hornet’s Nest.
Nobody ever heard of the Hornet’s Nest. Wasn’t on any map we had.
Someone said it was a tavern where the Confederate generals was hangin’ out.
General Grant said he didn’t want to be seen in no tavern, on account of the rumors about him drinkin’.
So he had his cannon guys blow the Hornet’s Nest away.
I guess you know the North got whumped that day. All account of General Grant not answering General Sherman on Facebook. So some people say.
I know better. I seen it all.
That night, General Sherman come over to General Grant.
General Grant was standin’ in the rain an’ his cigar was all wet and nasty.
“I sent you a Facebook message,” General Sherman said.
“I don’t do Facebook,” said General Grant. “What did it say?”
“I don’t remember,” said General Sherman.
“Okay, no problem,” said General Grant. He opened his laptop and clicked on Facebook.
“You told me we got our butts kicked today,” General Grant said, reading from the screen.
General Grant tapped a few letters onto the keyboard and pushed “send.”
“What did you tell me?” asked General Sherman.
General Grant handed General Sherman his laptop.
General Sherman opened his Facebook account.
“Is this all you have to say?” said General Sherman.
“What did I say?” asked General Grant.
“You don’t remember?” said General Sherman.
“I get too many e-mails,” said General Grant.
“Want to know what you told me?” said General Sherman.
“Yup,” said General Grant. He shifted his dead cigar to the other side of his mouth.
General Grant, by the way, is a man of few words.
“You said,” said General Sherman, reading from the screen: “Lick ’em tomorrow.”
“What did I mean?” said General Grant.
“Have you had breakfast?” said General Sherman.
“Hey! That’s why I came to Shiloh,” said General Grant. “What kind of bacon you got?”
For an idea how the Facebook friendship of Grant and Sherman tipped the balance, please watch for the next installment of “How Social Networking Won the Civil War.”
