[donation]
By Joel Thurtell
Hey, how do I cash in on this bailout deal?
I mean, for chrissake, I’m gonna be paying for it, right?
According to economic prognosticators, I’m gonna be paying thousands of buckos over the years.
What does that make me?
A chump?
Or an investor?
I want to be an investor.
I want to know that my thousands of dollars will net me a return on my investment.
Why shouldn’t I feel that way?
It’s the way Wall Street sees it.
What a bunch of heroes they are, in my view.
Geniuses, too!
Think of it this way — these guys engineered us into a huge mess, scaring President George W. Bush so much he stopped reading his goat book and popped for a trillion dollar bailout that runs counter to everything his good Republican upbringing makes him believe in.
Actually, in an eye blink, he figured out the bailout was a great thing for Republicans, many of whom live on Wall Street and put together this perfect storm of a financial mess that requires a bailout that will be managed by the same geniuses who created the perfect financial storm!
Brilliant!
But doggonit, I want a piece of the action.
It’s been promised to me.
Here’s how I figure it: Treasury Secretary Henry (I’m gonna call him Hank) Paulson Jr. says in the New York Times on September 22, 2008 that the bailout was “needed not just for Wall Street, but for all Americans.”
That is an indirect quote made up — I mean — put together by the team of three reporters who wrote the Page One story under the head, DEMOCRATS SET CONDITIONS AS TREASURY CHIEF RALLIES SUPPORT FOR BAILOUT PLAN.
Well, he sure will get MY support. If he’ll just tell me how I can cash in.
That story trailed under the subhead, OVERSIGHT IS ISSUE.
You bet oversight is an issue. I want some oversight into how I can make a buck off this debacle.
No, I mean I want more than a buck. I’ve been promised a lot more, according to the neighboring story under the subhead, “Big Financiers Start Lobbying For Wider Aid.”
You bet we’re lobbying. This is an entitlement. See, since the government isn’t going to oversee the buying up of every asset in sight, Hank plans to parcel the work out to his cronies, I mean associates, on guess where?
Wall Street, the same bunch of yokels and yahoos who engineered this marvelous disaster that will bail us all into untold riches if we’re smart.
According to this other Times article, “Investment firms were jockeying to oversee all the assets that Treasury plans to take off the books of financial institutions, a role that could earn them hundreds of millions of dollars a year in fees.”
Wow! Isn’t that grand?
Hundreds of millions of dollars in fees!
I’ll take it. Think about that. I’m going to invest a paltry few thousand bucks over a few years, like every other taxpayer, to help pay down this bailout.
But I have a chance now, if I move fast, to collect up front hundreds of millions of dollars.
And pay back only a few thousand?
I’d be a chump not to jump for it.
Here’s the problem: How do I get to be an investment banker?
Quick, goddamit, hurry up! We don’t have all day. Anybody know how I can do that?
I have a lot to offer. I’ve tested out my theories at home, and they work pretty well: My wife says I’m an expert at creating financial havoc.
So if anybody needs another financial mess to be bailed out of, I’m your man.
If you have an idea how I can cash in, drop me a line at joelthurtell(at)gmail.com
