By Joel Thurtell
It’s an idictment meant to unsettle the nerves of any correct-thinking Journalist: I’ve been charged with Yellow Journalism.
My accuser — whom I don’t know — sent me an e-mail under the subject heading “Manny Maroun”:
Joel,
Dear Mr. Wagener:
You think I’m a Yellow Journalist?
Thank you for fulfilling a fantasy I’ve had ever since I began plying the Journalistic trade. Although I’d prefer the term “muckraker,” if I have to be remembered as what you term a “yellow journalist,” then so be it.
Better yellow than dead.
Oh yes, the color thing cropped up twice in your so-called letter. Not only am I yellow, but you also paint me red.
The suggestion that I want to call you and everyone else “comrade,” a ham-handed attempt at painting me as a Communist. Red-baiting. Cheap and low. Latter-day McCarthyism. Reminds me of the cheap insinuations of treason your beloved Ambassador Bridge people hurled at Michigan’s governor, Jennifer Granholm, all because she was born in Canada.
So which color is it, Mr. Wagener? Am I “yellow,” or am I “red”?
Either one — or both — will suit me fine.
Now, Mr. Wagener, I would like to know: Since you state so emphatically that Matty Moroun (cq) pays his taxes, are you insinuating that somebody else is not paying taxes? Who would that be? Or is that just another of your lame slurs?
You’re so proud of Matty Moroun because, as you put it so boldly, he CREATES JOBS!!!
I think what you mean to say is that in his business endeavors aimed at enriching himself even more in his transportation enterprises, Matty Moroun employs people to do work he is unable or unwilling to do. You make him sound like some kind of super-patriot for supposedly “creating jobs,” when in fact he’s only doing what business, governments and nonprofit institutions around the world do to achieve their goals, which mainly are aimed at putting money in their till.
But granted, Matty Moroun does create jobs. Some of their “duties” are the kind of tasks a coward would not dirty his hands with, but would find other creeps willing to perform. One of those jobs is that of shotgun-totin’ goon, as I learned on September 22, 2008 when just such a Matty Moroun-created job-holder illegally ejected me from a city of Detroit park.
Some “job.”
Another job created by Matty is the position of “Dan Stamper.”
A “Dan Stamper” is an employment position created for the sole purpose of obscuring the truth, muddying the water and generally confusing people like you into believing that Matty Moroun is a good guy whose sole interest in life is creating jobs to enhance the welfare of the world.
Actually, Dan Stampers are utility positions that can be used for practically any dirty job the boss can’t stomach.
Also, Matty has created a lot of jobs for lawyers, because he likes to sue people, and never admits defeat. In fact, Matty might want to consider endowing an entire law school aimed at turning out the kind of attorneys he needs, which would be ones with sharp brains and no scruples.
Yet another Matty-created job is that of the employees who go around boarding up perfectly fine homes in perfectly fine neighborhoods in hopes of scaring homeowners into selling their houses at dirt-low prices — to Matty, of course. Such employees may also hammer up signs that threaten onlookers with the spooky claim that guard dogs are living within, suggesting that canine attacks are imminent.
Now that you’ve outed me as a Yellow Journalist and a Red, it’s time for school.
Joel’s J School.
Lessons in Yellow Journalism:
1. Yellow Journalists spell correctly!
You failed twice on that one, Mr. Wagener.
The nickname of the billionaire you’re defending is not “Manny.”
It is “Matty.”
You’re down one.
The surname of the bridge tycoon you’re so worried about is not “Maroun,” as you spelled it.
It is “Moroun.”
You’re down two.
Two screw-ups in one headline. You should be ashamed.
Some newspapers would fire you for the first offense.
You committed two gross errors before you even launched into your misguided tirade.
2. Yellow Journalists support the downtrodden. You are mistaken if you think the billionaire, Matty Moroun, is somehow disadvantaged.
3. Yellow journalists are color-blind. They don’t go around painting people in blues and pinks and greens and reds and yellows and purples. They stick to the facts and let those facts support their arguments.
Drop me a line at joelthurtell@gmail.com
