‘Luke Warm’: as real as the ‘Big Ten’

By Luke Warm

Professor of Mendacity

University of Munchausen

Okay, kids, listen up!

The Big Lie is afoot!

There is a rumor out there that I, Professor Luke Warm, first and foremost holder of the John Hope Despair Chair of Enlightened Mendacity at the distinguished University of Munchausen, DO NOT EXIST!

Baloney.

I will prove my existence.

Why, if I did not exist — that is to say, if there were no Professor of Mendacity and no University of Munchausen — it would be necessary for someone to make me up.

And if I were made up, I would be real.

It has come to my attention that the boss of this joelontheroad enterprise has been dickering with another blog for a gig as a writer.

And the boss likes my stuff.

But these other blog people have a problem.

With me.

They say I’m a “fictional character.”

They think I’m made up!

They don’t want a writer who is not real.

Who could make up a character like me?

I am Luke Warm. I hold any number of BS degrees.

What number do you like?

That’s the number I have!

You all know what BS means, right?

BS ‘r’ me!

Oh, I’ve got dozens of MS diplomas.

More of Same!

But it’s in the arena of PHD degrees that I excel.

Why, I hold dozens of Piled Higher and Deeper sheepskins.

I’ve earned each and every one of them.

I earn them with my wonderful industrial-grade laser printer, which is capable of spitting out diplomas at the rate of dozens per minute.

As for the good old University of Munchausen, who would dare to challenge the existence of my revered alma mater?

I stand accused of being a “literary device.”

It is said that my name, Luke Warm, is mildly absurd.

It is said that my title, Professor of Mendacity, is a ludicrous fabrication that signals that what I write is NOT SERIOUS.

NOT SERIOUS????

What is ludicrous about being a tenured professor at a topnotch Big Hundred university?

You want to talk about academic lies?

Okay, what about that Big Ten?

Huh?

How many universities in the Big Ten right now?

Can you count them?

I can’t.

I know there’s more than 10.

But they still call it Big Ten.

That, students, is a LIE!

And they accuse me of being made up!

What does this tell us?

How many universities, and  I mean topflight universities, in the Big Ten?

Nobody knows.

We got more than 10 — nobody knows how many — universities that CAN’T COUNT!

What does that do to THEIR credibility?

Huh?

Is anybody going around saying Purdue or Northwestern or Illinois or Ohio State doesn’t exist because the name of their athletic league is MADE UP?

Is anyone saying Michigan State or Indiana or Illinois is MADE UP because the Big Ten is a LIE?

So, why the attack on me, Luke Warm, as a fictional character?

So what if my name is made up? It’s as real as the Big Ten!

Oh, and here’s another one. The University of Michigan claims it got its start in 1817.

The University of Michgian, by the way, is a member of that fictional character, the Big Ten.

Well, in 1967, the University of Michigan celebrated its “sesquicentennial — 150 years old!

Now, that is the height of Mendacity.

Can anyone show me a course syllabus from 1817?

A class catalog, maybe??

1817 is a scam, folks.

A fake.

A flagrant fraud!

Does anyone say the University of Michigan is a “fictional character” because it faked its age?

Then why am I, Luke Warm, a legitimate Professor of Mendacity, being tagged as a “fictional character”?

No fair!

I am as real as the Big Ten.

I am as genuine as the founding date of the University of Michigan!

You can’t get more authentic than that.

It follows that I, Luke Warm, am real.

I exist!