By Joel Thurtell
For too long, a veil of secrecy had shrouded my Presidential candidacy.
My ambition to govern these United States, to solve all our problems, economic, social, spiritual and yes, even musical, knows no bounds.
But I had to keep it locked away.
And then came Newt.
Yes, thanks to Newt Gingrich, I realize, at last, that it’s okay for me to run for the highest office in the land while at the same time peddling my books.
I’ve really lost a lot of ground, though.
All those appearances to sell my book , Up the Rouge! Paddling Detroit’s Hidden River, were golden opportunities for me to pitch myself as Leader of the Free World.
Missed opportunities!
I could have sold loads of my other books, as well:
Cross Purposes, Or, If Newspapers had Covered the Crucifixion
All because I thought it was unseemly to sell my books while running for public office.
Thank you, Newt!
Oh, I know what people will say.
I read The New York Times.
I can tell which way the wind is blowing.
The Times does not think it’s cool for Newt to sell books while campaigning.
It smacks of not being a serious candidate.
The Times:
Mr. Gingrich’s devotion to book-selling, Republican strategists said, raises questions about the propriety of a candidate who is generating personal income while seeking the White House, as well as whether he is making the optimum use of limited campaign time.
My own campaign has been so far below the radar of “strategists” that the deep thinkers on both the Republican and Democratic sides were simply not aware I’m running.
News flash to strategists: My hat’s in the ring.
And really, I don’t think it’s any of the strategists’ business whether selling my books “is making optimum use of limited campaign time.”
If I can enhance my personal income, who besides me cares how much time it takes?
Folks, I’m off and running.
I’ll be knocking on doors.
With books in my hands.
Don’t worry, I can make change.
I need those “strategists,” though.
They can give me free publicity.
So far, The New York Times has not noticed my campaign.
I expect that to change when the nabobs of negativism find out I’m selling books on the stump.
That is a big no-no.
From their moral high ground, the Times will feel obligated to tattle on me.
That will boost my visibility — and hopefully sell my books.
Book sales will enhance my personal income.
I don’t understand the Times’ negative attitude about candidates’ increasing their fortunes.
Isn’t that what office-holding is all about?
Once I get elected, I can hand no-bid government contracts to my family members, friends and anyone who bribed me with money for my campaign.
That could include anyone who buys my books.
That means you, dear reader, could share in the spoils.
But you’ve got to get out there and buy my books!
Here they are again, in case you missed them:
Up the Rouge! Paddling Detroit’s Hidden River
Cross Purposes, Or, If Newspapers had Covered the Crucifixion
After I leave office, having been convicted of corruption, defeated for re-election or proclaiming myself just plain sick of Washington insider deal-making, I can serve as a member of any number of corporate boards seeking my influence.
That will earn me megabucks, thanks to the good old revolving door which for me will be open, open, open!
Most fun and biggest moneymaker of all — I’ll get my own show on Fox News.
So, please buy my books.
It will boost my campaign.
Thank you.
Gotta scoot.
Books to sign.
Go to it, Joel! You’ve really wasted a lot of time in not running for office ere this. Or in not becoming a consultant. Didn’t I read recently that Newt walked off with some six figures for being a paid consultant to Freddie Mac? (He probably needed the money to help pay off that half-million-dollar account at Tiffany’s.)
Considering that you’re a Detroit Free Press “retiree,” word is that you can’t get any publicity from the Free Press for your books — after all, the Freep’s rule is that they don’t do publicity for any employee’s books or other literary work done outside the F.P. pages. (Obviously, though retired, you’re still an employee-by-extension.) Oops, forgot: One exception — Mitch I’m-holier-and-clout-ier-than-thou Albom. As the 800-pound gorilla-in-residence, Mitch’s work — books, plays, movies — has always had major space displacement in the Free Press, taking precedence not only over Lindsay Lohan, but also over legitimate hard news (except, of course for Kwame Kilpatrick’s sex life).
So, Joel, if you are ignored by your own former journalistic employer, you have no recourse but to run for political office. And if you’re smart, you’ll keep notes and write “My Days on the Campaign Trail,” “My Days in the White House,” “My Days as a Lame Duck,” “My Post-White House Days,” “My Days as an Elder Statesman,” etc.
But if I were you, I wouldn’t run for President immediately; you might get tarred with the “idiot brush” — being in that current pack of largely illiterate, nonsensical candidates. No, for now, you should start off running for the State Legislature, then work your way up to running for Governor, then the U.S. House of Representatives, then the Senate, and THEN for President, leaving a long string of book tours behind you.
Even the New York Times would have to sit up and take notice eventually.
Keep the Faith!
P.S. You could write a prospective best-seller entitled “My Sex Life on the Campaign Trail”| (subtitled, “I Bed Three Wives”). It would have to be fiction, as you’ve had only one wife — besides Newt already has nonfiction dibs to that one.