He (or she) has an eye on you!

By Joel Thurtell

Want a great day trip?

If you live in the Detroit area, a wonderful — and free — outing is waiting for you at the Leslie Science and Nature Center on the north side of Ann Arbor at 1831 Traver Rd.

Great Horned Owl photo by Joel Thurtell.Want a great day trip?If you live in the Detroit area, a wonderful -- and free -- outing is waiting for you at the Leslie Science and Nature Center on the north side of Ann Arbor at 1831 Traver Rd.

The center has large outdoor cages that house raptors that have been injured and brought back to health with some disability that makes them unable to fend for themselves in the wild.

If you’re intrigued by hawks and owls, eagles and vultures, this place has them where you can watch them from close range, and for as long as you like.

Admission is free.

Bald eagle Photo by Joel Thurtell

Really, you’re not admitted at all. You just park in the center’s lot and hoof it up a hill to the four buildings with the cages.

The place is open from dawn to dusk.

The first day we visited, there were two Great Horned Owls, two red-tailed hawks, a peregrine falcon, a bald eagle, a saw whet owl, a screech owl, a barn owl, an American kestrel, two barred owls and a vulture. Actually, there was another small hawk without an identification plaque.

In some cases, a bird was pushed out of its nest by an aggressive sibling, discovered still alive by a human and nursed back to health to live at the Leslie center.

Here is a gallery of photos I took over several visits to Leslie Nature Center in 2001.

 

 

 

 

 

Redtail hawk. Photo by Joel Thurtell.

 

 

 

Great horned owl. Photo by Joel Thurtell.

 

 

 

 

 

Peregrine falcon. Photo by Joel Thurtell.

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Danish cookies — do it yourself!

By Joel Thurtell

Want easy-to-make cookies that are really tasty?

Try these Danish Christmas cookies.

Okay, it’s a bit late, but who cares?

Cookies are cookies.

They taste great any time.

The recipes came from my wife, Karen Fonde, who got them from her Danish-American mom, Edith Jensen Fonde.

I have not made vanilliekvanse, which means “vanilla wreathes.”

But Abe and I made a slew of smørsnitter.

Very rich and very delicious.

Kind of like gorging on sweetened slabs of butter.

Have fun!

                                                          Danish cookies

 Vanilliekvanse

1 1/2 cups soft butter (3 full sticks of butter)

1 cup sugar

1 egg

4 cups flour

Pinch of salt

1 tsp vanilla

Optional:

Ground almonds (about 1?2 Cup)

Small tsp of ammonium carbonate

Mix butter with sugar. Add egg, vanilla, sifted flour, salt, almonds, ammonium. Mix well. Put through meat grinder or cookie press or roll into wreaths.

Bake at 375-400 degrees for about 8 minutes. Watch carefully to keep from burning.

Smørsnitter

4 cups flour

1 1/2 cups soft butter (3 full sticks)

1 cup confectioners sugar

Mix well. Form into two rolls (logs). Roll each in colored sugar (one in red, one in green). Refrigerate for at least 2 hours. Slice thin and bake at 350 for about 10 minutes.

Drop me a line at joelthurtell(at)gmail.com

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Reasons not to cancel the paper

By Joel Thurtell

We’ve already learned from my star columnist, Peppermint Patti, why she thinks my idea of reading newspapers on my laptop is bad, bad, bad.

I have only one lap.

It can hold a laptop computer.

Or it can hold a laptop dog.

My lap does not have room for both.

But in the last couple days, I’ve thought of other reasons not to cancel my print subscription to The New York Times.

(1) I had to pack some post-Christmas presents for shipping. The Times — especially its sports, style and food sections — make excellent packing material. Very little hesitation time wasted deciding to use them because I rarely read those pages.  Just wad individual broadsheets into tight balls and stuff them into your box.

(2) A broadsheet piece of The Times makes a great catchment basin over the sink when I trim my beard. The Times keeps my bathroom tidy. Well, it helps. Let’s not go further with this.

(3) I know there was a third reason for using The Times, but can’t recall it right off hand. Give me a minute. I’ll go back and read Paul Krugman’s column. Maybe Paul will shake the idea loose.

Oh yes! Of course! I go through this ritual so seldom that it escaped my memory for a fleeting moment.

(3) Igniting wood in the fireplace.

Caution: There are downsides to all of these uses for discarded issues of The Times.

(1) After you wad those sheets of The Times and pack your box, you have to wash ink off your hands.

(2) The Times does not make a perfect whisker-catcher. Care must be taken in lifting the paper, or stray hairs could cascade into the sink, onto the counter or even onto the floor.

(3) The Times could be almost too good at starting fires. The sudden rush of heat from newsprint being consumed at 451 degrees Fahrenheit can set off fumes from previous wood fires that may be lingering in your chimney. Once it starts burning, a creosote fire in a chimney is pretty hard to extinguish. I started a godawful fire in an old brick chimney by burning newspapers to start a fire in an ancient furnace and will never forget the noise. It sounded like a freight train running through the house. So beware! The Times could set your house on fire.

Those are my reasons for keeping, for now, my subscription to the printed Times.

Well, along with the (4) comfort of sipping coffee and turning pages on a cold winter morning.

All four reasons currently are under review.

Drop me a line at joelthurtell(at)gmail.com

 

 

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A candidate apologizes

By Joel Thurtell

I owe you all a big apology.

Last month, with lots of fanfare that included a couple blog columns, I announced that I was running for President of the United States of America.

And then I forgot all about it!

Can you believe that?

I can.

But really, how irresponsible of me to seek the highest office in the land and then go on to other things as if being President were not important to me!

Of course it is!

Of course I want to be your President!

So I promise not to forget any more.

I don’t know what happened.

I think it was all those essays I had to edit from General Grant’s sentry on why General Grant was so dead-set against social networking.

You know about that, right?

How General Sherman was after General Grant to be Facebook friends and General Grant was too savvy to get involved?

General Grant got burned by that Facebook rumor about his drinking problem, which he didn’t really have, I believe.

But I digress.

See how easy it is for me to get off message?

I drive my handlers crazy!

Hey, where did all my handlers go?

I’ll be back in a minute to finish this apology.

But right now I need to find my campaign manager and see how my SUPERPAC is going.

We’re gonna suck up a whole bunch of money —

Oops!

I mean, my SUPERPAC that has no connection to me is going to pull in lots dough that we — oops! — Sorry, not me, but my SUPERPAC, will use to beat up on my opponents.

Then I’m gonna see if I can get to be friends with General Grant on Facebook.

If General Grant endorses me, how can I lose?

I’ll be back with my first stump speech real soon.

Promise!

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Lowell’s Ponte Vecchio

By Joel Thurtell

Lowell bridge and dam. My paternal grandmother had a dress shop in the white building at center-left. Joel Thurtell photo.

The bridge that spans the Flat River at Lowell is easily more than a century old.

It’s a model and a cautionary tale for me in my quest to turn my recently-acquired property — the Ambassador Bridge between the US and Canada — into a shopping mall.

When I found out the former owner, Manuel “Matty” Moroun of Grosse Pointe, no longer wanted the bridge, I was quick to pounce.

Now I’m hearing from people who think I’m nuts to want the bridge and even nuttier to turn it into a major consumer emporium.

It will be the only shopping plaza suspended over international waters.

One giant duty-free store!

People tell me, “If this is such a smart idea, why didn’t Matty think of it?”

Well, I don’t want to answer that.

The guy’s a billionaire, therefore he must be smart.

Right?

I don’t want to go there.

Ambassador Bridge. Joel Thurtell photo.

I’ve got the bridge, and you won’t believe how many factory outlet stores I’m planning!

For those who think this is totally far-fetched, let me point out that the Ponte Vecchio in Florence, Italy, has supported (literally and litorally!) retail shopping since the Middle Ages.

In fact, the expression “high middle ages” tracks back to the Ponte Vecchio which in its youth, when it was the Ponte Adolescenza, was much taller than it is today! For the Middle Ages, the Ponte was really high. (Wikipedia fans, please check this fact — I don’t have time — I’ve got a bridge to sell!)

But we really don’t need to go to Europe to find a business model for my scheme.

My home town of Lowell, Michigan, has its own Ponte Vecchio, and while it can’t match the Italian version for age, the Lowell version is no spring chicken. A wooden bridge over the Flat had stores in the 1800s. It burned and was rebuilt in 1904. That’s 108 years, plus additional time served in the 19th century.

At some point in this essay, I plan to reprint a story I wrote for The Detroit News in 1979. But before I get there, I want to mention that I said it’s a “cautionary tale” for a reason.

In 1958, I watched several stores on Main Street go up in flames. A fire in one swept through its neighbors. On one hand, the Flat River is a great source of water for fighting fires. But Lowell’s fire department didn’t have a fire boat, so the rear walls of the stores could not be reached by firefighters.

That seems kind of dangerous, so I’m assigning my urban planner to devise a solution to the fire access problem.

Okay, here’s the story I wrote for The Detroit News. It was reprinted in my 2010 book, Shoestring Reporter: How I Got To Be A Big City Reporter Without Going to J School and How You Can Do It Too! with permission from The Detroit News. I’m reprinting it here with permission from Hardalee Press, publisher of Shoestring Reporter.

This story proves I’m not nuts for turning the Ambassador Bridge into International Shop America.

Lowell bridge during 2010 reconstruction. Part of bridge can be seen in center. Building on right is store built on concrete pilings in Flat River. King Milling Co. silos in background. Joel Thurtell photo.

Scenic bridge in Lowell spans colorful past

By Joel Thurtell

LOWELL, Mich. — It doesn’t attract as many tourists as Italy’s Ponte Vecchio, but Lowell’s Main Street Bridge bears a certain similarity to that 14th-century pedestrian span over the Arno River in Florence.

Lowell’s bridge, barely 100 years old (remember, folks, I wrote this story in 1979!), not only links separate halves of the Kent County town but serves as a retail district for its 3,000 residents.

The Ponte Vecchio is lined with small stalls specializing in jewelry and souvenirs, while the Lowell structure supports two barbershops, a dress boutique, a television store and an auto-parts outlet.

A visitor intent on window-shopping here might not even notice that M-21, Lowell’s main artery, crosses the Flat River 15 miles east of Grand Rapids.

Facing the bridge, the stores extend north and south from Main Street and are supported by concrete and wood pilings planted in the river bottom.

Although a central location is important to merchants anywhere, it is difficult to understand why Lowell’s pioneers erected shops over water, unless perhaps they anticipated a fire and wanted a ready source of water.

That hasn’t always been helpful, however. An early wooden span was swept by fire in 1904.

Shops were rebuilt in the same locations, but a year later the Grand River backed up over a wide region of western Michigan and forced tributaries such as the Flat to rise so forcibly that sections of the bridge were torn away.

Historians cannot determine why Lowell’s elders constructed stores along the bridge in the first place, then rebuilt there after two disasters.

One explanation is that in the 1880’s real estate prices were relatively high, so some merchants chose sites where they would not need land titles.

Another guess goes like this: In the mid-19th century the Flat River was a narrow, shallow, fast-running stream, but just before the Civil War grain millers began damming it for a source of power. One dam went in where the bridge now stands (and a successor mill remains there).

As the water level rose, shopkeepers who had built close to the embankment faced gradual flooding and either moved their stores or put pilings under the buildings.

Despite all the water below, a big mill was gutted by fire in 1943. In 1958, six stores and a tavern burned out.

Nor is fire the only hazard. In 1955, old pilings under the Kroger store collapsed from rot and caused the entire sugar stock to float away in the Flat.

Some shops could become a nuisance to the millers, too. At the turn of the (20th) century, the owner of a produce store sold bananas picked from tough, many-branched stems. When these were empty, he tossed them out a back window into the river, forcing a nearby mill to open its dam, lower the river and remove the debris from turbine machinery every few weeks.

Norton Avery, who operated a photographic studio on the bridge before World War I, recalls sending an assistant to the front door to make sure no horse-drawn carriages were approaching when he was about to make portraits.

The vibration of buggies on the plank roadway of that era caused his equipment to tremble and could ruin his pictures, he said.

Now 85, Avery (again, recall I wrote this in 1979; Norton Avery is either very old or very dead) saw his former shop razed recently, after its roof began sagging away from an adjacent building toward the river.

But enough others survive to make a trip to Lowell an interesting diversion for tourists.

So, I ask you: If Lowell can have a shopping bridge, why not Detroit?

Drop me a line at joelthurtell(at)gmail.com

 

Posted in Adventures in history, Me & Matty | Tagged , , , , , | 1 Comment

He can’t lose!

By Joel Thurtell

Gotta hand it to Matty — he’s one sharp cookie.

The genius of the Ambassador Bridge — oops! — Sorry, I forgot — Matty doesn’t really own the bridge.

Well, anyway, it looks like he’s concocted a heads-he-wins-tails-he wins deal when it comes to a new international bridge in Detroit.

According to Gongwer News Service, Gov. Rick Snyder is looking into ways of building a new international bridge at Detroit without legislative approval, and one of those work-arounds could be having the New International Trade Crossing built by the Detroit-Wayne County Port Authority.

Which is an obscure way of saying the new bridge would be controlled by the same person who owns the only international bridge now in operation between Detroit and Windsor.

Namely, Matty Moroun.

The port authority may use the names of Detroit and Wayne County, but it’s controlled by Matty.

Pretty neat, huh?

After all the hoopla about getting out from under Matty’s thumb, the big job goes to Matty.

Could be that Gongwer is all wet.

But if the Detroit-Wayne County Port Authority is on the radar, then the new bridge could be Matty’s, after all.

According to Gongwer, Volume #51, Report #1, Article #3, Tuesday, January 3, 2012, “Exactly what option the (Snyder) administration might pursue is unclear at this point. The options said by one source to have been under closest review are, in no particular order, an intergovernmental agreement between Canada and public entities in Michigan, using the Detroit-Wayne County Port Authority or turning the project over to the federal government.”

If that is the choice, then there is no choice:

Let the feds build the bridge!

The port authority is a hen house owned by Matty.


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My plan for the bridge

Ambassador Bridge. Joel Thurtell photo.

By Joel Thurtell

At last, Matty Moroun admits he doesn’t own the Ambassador Bridge.

Some legal-minded people no doubt will claim that Matty is posing, that the holding company that supposedly owns the bridge is really a puppet controlled by Matty.

Or that he’s rigged it so his family are the true owners.

Critics will say that however Matty cuts it, no matter how he twists and misconstrues things, the real owner of the bridge is none other than Matty.

I say let’s take Matty at his word.

He doesn’t own the bridge.

The question of whether he shows up in court next week to face the consequences of disobeying a judge’s orders is really immaterial.

Who cares if Matty goes to court?

It’s a red herring.

The real question is: If Matty and heirs don’t own the Ambassador, who does?

The short, swift answer is: Me!

That’s right!

No sooner had Matty relinquished control of the bridge than I swooped in to fill the vacuum.

I’m in charge of the bridge!

Shotgun totin' goon. Joel Thurtell photo.

The shotgun totin’ goon answers to me.

I’ll tell you one thing: I’ll be in court on January 12.

I’m not afraid of a judge.

If the court wants someone to take responsibility for that bridge, I’m up to it.

I look on that court hearing as cheap theater.

If the judge wants to give me a stage, I’ll step up.

It’s a chance to show him and the world my plan for the bridge.

As owner of the Ambassador Bridge, I’ll announce that I’m dropping my opposition to the new government bridge.

Matty was always afraid the new bridge would drain toll money away from the Ambassador.

In my plan, the loss of those tolls won’t matter.

All that “lost” money will be replaced with a new source of revenue.

I’m also going to quit bluffing about building a second bridge right next to the Ambassador.

Anyone with half a wit could see that the former owner couldn’t possibly build a “twin” to the Ambassador.

In looking over the paperwork I got as new owner, I see that I don’t own the property in Detroit where I’d have to place the bridge.

Ambassador Bridge seen from Riverside Park. Joel Thurtell photo.

That property is part of the city of Detroit’s Riverside Park.

The city won’t sell, and even if it did, there’d be lawsuits left and right from the feds and the state and who knows what other people who’d get all riled up that I wanted to steal a public park.

The old owner liked to sue people, keep the other side tied up in court.

Great way to stall the future.

But the future is here, I own the bridge, and my plan requires the good will of everyone if I’m going to make myself a billionaire like Matty Moroun.

Besides, a twin bridge would suck all sorts of traffic away from the Ambassador.

Okay, are you ready for my plan?

First, some personal history.

I grew up in Lowell, a small town in western Michigan that sits on both sides of the Flat River.

Main Street in Lowell is actually M-21, the state highway between Grand Rapids and Flint.

But in Lowell, Main Street/M-21 is a bridge.

And on either side of that bridge there are stores.

Know what? In the 1930s, my maternal grandfather had his meat market and grocery store in a building that still faces the Main Street bridge.

Today, that building is a bed and breakfast.

It still sits on pilings in the river.

Having stores and restaurants and hotels on a bridge is not a nutty idea!

Why, they’ve been doing it in Italy for centuries.

Check out the Ponte Vecchio in Florence.

“Ponte Vecchio” means “Old Bridge,” which proves the idea has been around.

So there you have it.

What will the new owner make of the Ambassador?

Bigger than Twelve Oaks, bigger than Fairlane, bigger than Somerset.

The Ambassador — World’s Biggest Shopping Mall on a Bridge!

Drop me a line at joelthurtell(at)gmail.com

 

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Will the real Matty please stand up?

By Matty Moroun

JOTR Guest Columnist

Finally, I get a chance to air my views in an independent forum untouched by greed or special interest.

In other words, untouched by me!

Ha-ha!

Just kidding.

As you can see, I don’t really know how to write a column. Always before, I hired some flunky to do my writing.

But when the proprietor of this blog offered to publish something if I alone were its author, how could I refuse?

Thank you very much, joelontheroad.com!

But I want to make one thing clear:

I’m not really writing this.

Any more than I own the Ambassador Bridge, aka Detroit International Bridge Co.

Actually, the bridge owns me!

It’s true!

I belong to a holding company.

Hey, don’t ask me!

Do I make money off my Ambassador Bridge tolls and the gas and goodies my duty free store sells?

Oops1

I didn’t mean “my’ as in “my bridge” or “my store.”

My store actually owns me!

Do you believe that?

I do!

I gotta get that judge to believe it, too.

I sure don’t want to show up in his court next week.

Anybody else would have to answer a judge’s order.

But I’m Matty Moroun.

I don’t gotta do nothin’ I don’t want to do ’cause I’m a friggin’ billionaire!

Money talks!

Bullshit walks.

Walks straight out of that courtroom.

I hope!

But here’s the thing — I’m not really Matty at all.

I’m somebody else.

And somebody else don’t have to go to court.

Why should I have to go to court?

I’m better than you.

I’m bigger than that judge.

I’m smarter than the governor.

I’m so smart I’m not Matty Moroun.

I’m just a holding company.

Holding companies don’t do nothin’ ‘cept hold things.

Hey, what I want to know is this:

What kind of suit does a holding company wear to court?

 

 

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Lap dog’s lament

Peppermint Patti

Peppermint Patti

By Peppermint Patti

JOTR Columnist

I hear them talk about it, Sophie, and there’s only one word for what I feel.

Angst.

If they go through with this thing, Sophie, I have a big question:

Where am I gonna sit?

Once again, the age-old problem pokes its head up.

Nobody thinks about the dog.

I am by definition, Sophie, a lap dog.

A lap dog is what I am.

It follows that I get extreme pleasure from sitting on the laps of two-leggers.

And, two-leggers get extreme pleasure — not to mention free bodily warmth — from hosting me on their laps.

Obviously, they have not thought this plan through to its consequences for two-legger and dog alike.

All they can think about is how there won’t be a mess of newspapers piling up, and they can read lots of newspapers instead of just one and oh yes! — archive the articles they want to read again or send to a friend.

None of that makes a wit of difference to a dog.

Have you ever watched a two-legger read a newspaper?

They hold it in their hands, in front of their eyes.

The lap is free.

Free for a dog to lie on.

That is the purpose of the newspaper.

Lap time for dogs.

That is what a lap dog is all about.

Let me ask you this, Sophie: If they fill their laps with a dumputer, where’s the dog to sit?

Laptop or lap dog — one of us has got to go.

 

 

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Dog U

Peppermint Patti

Peppermint Patti

By Patti, PhD (Philosophocus Dogus)

JOTR Columnist

You’ve heard it through the grape whine, haven’t you, Sophie?

I’m Professor of Canine Studies at the U.

Happened at Christmas.

A present to me from my two-leggers.

They got tired of paying my health insurance.

Now I’m employed. The U takes care of my fringes.

Speaking of fringes, did you see that?

Did you? Huh, Sophie?

Pardon me.

Bush-tail way too close.

My side of the fence.

Nearly nabbed him.

Gross impudence!

“Fringes” are like crumbs that fall from the table, Sophie.

Mere dregs and morsels to the two-leggers, but quite tasty to a dog.

Why I get fringes is like this, Sophie: I’m teaching at the U.

A full load.

“Treat-wheedling 101” is a prereq.

“Prereq” — that’s U lingo.

Prereq to what?

Thought you’d never ask.

“Tail-wagging 203.”

“Bark nonsuppression 55.”

Yes, NONsuppression.

Like terrorism, counterterrorism.

Spy, counterspy.

A two-legger says “stay!”

Dog says “counter-stay!”

And goes where she pleases.

Two-legged walkers don’t want us to express ourselves.

They put electric belts around our necks to shock us.

Electric noise-makers that irritate us when we speak our minds.

They shake beer cans full of marbles to “train” us.

Know what annoys me?

Two-leggers who think they know what’s good for a dog.

What’s good for a dog is good for the country, Sophie.

No two-legger knows what is REALLY good for a dog.

Only a dog knows what is good for a dog.

It follows, only dogs know what’s good for the nation.

Lot of hoopla now about Republicans picking their candidate for President.

One of them writes a newsletter that he didn’t write.

Another one’s wife plays French horn.

French horn!

Talk about annoyance!

Do you hear about their dogs?

Does one of those Republican hopefuls own the two-legger’s best friend?

Hopeless!

Plenty of Republican hopelesses out there.

I only read the papers they leave on the floor, so maybe I missed something.

It looks to me like not one — NOT ONE! — of those campaigns has a dog.

That is what is wrong with the Republican party.

They have written the dog out of their platform.

They are pro-life, pro-gun, pro-no-tax, pro-no-regulation.

But are they pro-dog?

Look at me, Sophie: What color am I?

I am a white dog.

With maybe a sprinkling of what I call “apricot” tint on my back and sides.

No papers to authenticate my paternity and maternity.

Primarily, fundamentally, basically, though, I belong to the white persuasion.

But do you hear me barking up my color?

Negatawdry!

White supremacist I am not!

You are a black dog, Sophie.

A Black Lab.

Do I have an ass to grind with Black Laboratories?

Negatoodle!

So what if you shed all over the carpet, on the couch and on the bed covers too when nobody is looking?

Do I hold that against you?

Naught and naught again!

I do not shed, Sophie, which speaks to my noble though undocumented birth.

But that does not make me better than you.

Equal opportunity!

A dog is a dog is a dog.

And no dog is bad.

Remember, Sophie, a dog is NOT whatever two-leggers say she is or is not.

Just because a two-legger says a dog is bad doesn’t mean she’s bad.

Look at the Republicans — they’ve got a candidate who wrote newsletters he didn’t write!

Would you trust him to tell you if a dog were naughty or nice?

I am going to teach a class, Sophie, that will be the prereq of prereqs.

“Obedience 101: Train Your Human To Be Nice.”

 

 

 

 

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