Surviving Pearl Harbor

Russell Davenport died in 2001, according to switchboard.com. Davenport was one of many heroes who survived the Dec. 7, 1941 Japanese attack on the US naval base at Pearl Harbor in the Hawaiian islands. My interview with Davenport in his Sterling Heights home in 1989 is one of the most memorable conversations I can recall. His account was so amazing that I stopped taking notes shortly after he began speaking. I was spellbound, and discovered only later that my recorder had failed. I found that I didn’t need notes or a recording. Davenport had made such an impression that I remembered his account in detail. From the December 7, 1989 Detroit Free Press, in remembrance of the 2,402 Americans who died in the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor, here is my story about Davenport’s experience aboard the battleship USS Oklahoma. Reprinted with permission of the Detroit Free Press:

28-HOUR ORDEAL FRESH FOR PEARL HARBOR SURVIVOR

JOEL THURTELL

Free Press Staff Writer

PubDate: Thursday, 12/7/1989

Russell Davenport watched the Japanese planes grow from whining gnats to lethal machines weaving low between the bows of two anchored battleships.

Davenport, an 18-year-old bos’n mate, didn’t wait for the planes to drop their torpedoes into Pearl Harbor. He jumped through a hatch on the USS Oklahoma and raced to his battle station, a room 30 feet below the water line

where men handled bags of gunpowder for two of the Oklahoma‘s eight 14-inch guns.

Before Dec. 7, 1941, the Navy had judged Pearl Harbor’s 40-foot depth too shallow for torpedoes to strike. But Davenport remembers the sudden blare of a jukebox, jolted by the first torpedo hit. Water gushed into the 27,500-ton

battleship and within minutes, nearly a quarter of the Oklahoma‘s 1,354-man crew would die in the sneak attack.

When it was over, 3,435 Americans were killed or wounded, four battleships were sunk, four were badly damaged, and the U.S. Pacific fleet was crippled.

For Seaman 1C Davenport, now 66 and the retired owner of the Parakeet Bar on Detroit’s east side, the world was literally turned on its head. He and 31

other sailors clung to life for 28 hours in the warship’s foul, flooded and upturned belly.

The second torpedo hit just seconds after the first explosion, Davenport said.

“I counted them — there were six torpedoes that hit the port side within a minute of each other, ” recalled Davenport, of Sterling Heights.

The ship’s decks began to tip to the left. At his post in the ammunition room, there was chaos. Above, water rushed through huge holes along the side of the 583-foot ship. The decks tilted more sharply.

A 1,400-pound shell broke loose from its mount. Rolling crazily across the room, it pinned a sailor to the bulkhead, cutting him in two, Davenport said.

There was only one way out — through the deck. But as water filled the hull and the ship began to roll, up was becoming down.

A bunch of sailors fought through a deluge of water, forced themselves through a hatch and to the level above. As the ship pitched further left, several more giant shells rolled across the deck, crushing eight men.

The ship’s main lights went off. Red emergency lights came on. Sailors fell to their knees and prayed.

Now the ship was nearly upside-down. Above Davenport’s head was the floor.

Somewhere under the deep swirling water lay the ceiling.

Six inches of fuel oil covered the water.

Davenport and a buddy swam through the blackness. They made for the “Lucky Bag, ” a small room where pea jackets were stored. There was a vertical passageway there leading up — no, now it was down, some 40 feet to the

ship’s wood-slatted deck.

Davenport had a desperate plan — swim deep, squeeze through a deck hatch many feet below the water’s surface, and bob to the surface.

Davenport held his breath and dove repeatedly. He could just reach the teak deck slats with his fingers before he had to return for air, coming up gasping.

The 11 survivors in the Lucky Bag didn’t know it, but on shore, a shipyard worker was grabbing blueprints of the Oklahoma, organizing a rescue team.

In the ship’s belly, their luck seemed to be turning worse. The ship’s masts touched the muddy harbor bottom, then the entire top deck of the ship settled into the muck, blocking that as an escape route.

With the Japanese attack long over, the battleship lay silent, a tomb. Now and then, Davenport heard other trapped men rattling on the hull.

“Every little thing I done wrong in my life came back to me, ” recalled Davenport.

Nowhere to stand. Swim or tread water. Breathing air from foul-smelling bubbles. Gradually, air eased out. Water rose.

“We didn’t give up hope, ” said Davenport. “We hung in there and stayed with it.”

Outside, finally, sounds of help. A cutting torch pierced the hull but lit the fuel oil, suffocating two men in the opened compartment. Next time, they drilled a hole, banging a hole open with an air hammer.

After 28 hours, Davenport and 29 others were pulled out of the sunken battleship alive.

Drop me a line at joelthurtell@gmail.com

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Grant and Sherman: The social network that won the Civil War: VIII

By Joel Thurtell

General Grant’s sentry continues to wow us with exclusive stories about Civil War life. Cautionary note: Parts of the sentry’s account may be offensive to some persons due to references to voluntary flatus. If that is the case with you, please read no further. There are plenty of articles within this blog that will, we hope, please you without causing adverse reactions to mention of Civil War generals engaging in flatulent entertainments:

I’ve been informed by some know-it-all that Lew Wallace’s book about Ben-Hur didn’t come out till after the Civil War.

For all I know, that may be true.

But I was standin’ by General Grant’s tent when General Wallace come by every day to talk about his book, an’ General Grant was all ears.

What people don’t understan’ is that authors, especially ones that are general officers, like to talk about their books before they write ’em.

They like to write about their books beforehand, too.

General Grant done that with his Memoirs. Hell, he didn’t start writin’ them Memoirs till he was done bein’ President in ’76. Think that stopped him talkin’ ’bout what he was gonna put in there?

He run it all by Lew Wallace, sort of quid pro quo like. General Grant done Lew a favor listenin’ to all that goofy Roman stuff. Why, General Grant even give General Wallace tips on how to write the chariot race scenes, on ‘count of General Grant is real good with horses.

General Wallace, he helped General Grant by tellin’ him to hold off on puttin’ in his Memoirs that he was gonna run against President Lincoln in ’64.

“Let Abe have this one, General Grant,” said General Wallace. “You got a war to fight.”

They got separated by the War, but that didn’t stop ’em from jabbering on Facebook.

It all begun like this. General Grant, he got a e-mail that said:

Hi, Ulysses,

Here’s some activity you may have missed on Facebook.

General Robert E. Lee, General William Tecumseh Sherman and General Lew Wallace with five other Confederate generals and six Union generals have posted statuses, jaypegs and more on Facebook.

You have missed some popular stories:

General Robert E. Lee posted a jaypeg of him lighting a fart through his Confederate gray trousers.

General William Tecumseh Sherman commented that he liked General Lee’s fart, but wished he had saved his breath for when the South surrenders. General Lew Wallace said the rebel generals should use the gas to float their asses down the Mississip.

General Lew Wallace didn’t like the tone of General Lee’s flatus at all an’ so he sent a e-mail to General Grant complainin’ that nobody liked him on Facebook. He e-mailed General Grant a plan for a big attack on the Confederates, but General Grant said it was useless ’cause it was set in Roman times.

Futhermore, General Grant figured out that General Wallace got his whole division lost on the way to the Battle of Shiloh on ‘count of tryin’ to print out a copy of Ben-Hur an’ got the tractor feed all bolloxed up so he couldn’t print out General Grant’s Mapquest directions.

General Grant done all a General Lew Wallace’s thinkin’ for him with step-by-step how to proceed through woods and over dale and across the Tennessee River an’ General Ben-Hur thought his book was bigger than the Civil War.

Guess we know how that come out.

Stay tuned for more amazing insights into how the North won the Civil War with deft usage of social media.



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Ann Arbor cemetery welcomes all, except…

By Joel Thurtell

From its website, you’d think the people who run Ann Arbor’s Forest Hill Cemetery must be an open, caring and warmhearted crew dedicated to inspiring lots of people to visit the city’s historic graveyard alongside the University of Michigan.

You would be wrong.

The cemetery’s board of directors has told local historian Wystan Stevens — who’s been giving tours of the cemetery for 30 years — that he’s persona non grata.

Vamoose!

Get lost!

Don’t let our graveyard gate hit your butt!

Apparently, somebody didn’t like this guy’s brand of history.

Outa here, fella!

Guess journalists aren’t the only people who get censored.

And yet, boy, you sure wouldn’t pick up on the censorious mentality of that board from the gushing, open-arms salute they give you on their website:

Welcome to Forest Hill Cemetery

Welcome to Forest Hill Cemetery. Its historical architecture greets you at the gate. It urges you to enter; to view the towering, stately trees and its natural quiet setting. It’s a remarkable haven nestled within Ann Arbor and the sprawling campus of the University of Michigan. As you view this website, please keep in mind that Forest Hill is an unfinished landscape which welcomes all.

Despite the glow given off from their website, the board is just not into the welcome thing.

Why would anyone care to tour this cemetery?

Well, it’s full of the bones Ann Arbor founders, mayors, University of Michigan law profs and such luminaries as UM football coaches Bo Schembechler and Fielding Yost, UM track star and football announcer Bob Ufer, Michigan governors  Alpheus Felch, UM presidents James Burrill Angell, Marion LeRoy Burton, Henry Simmons Frieze, Harry Burns Hutchins and Alexander Grant Ruthven. The list of once important and now mostly forgotten bigwigs goes on and on.

According to free lance writer Jim Pruitt in the Ann Arbor Journal, “uncomplimentary complaints” were mentioned as a possible reason for the ban on Stevens’ tours.

In a letter to historian and tour leader Wystan Stevens, according to the Journal, the cemetery board pointed out that Forest Hill Cemetery is private property and people need the board’s permission before entering. The cemetery is run by a private, nonprofit corporation.

Huh?

What happened to “Welcome to Forest Hill Cemetery”?

And all that “historical architecture” waiting to “greet” me “at the gate” that “just urges” me “to enter”?

I thought Forest Hill was an “unfinished landscape which welcomes all.”

Well, all except Wystan Stevens, and, so it appears, anyone else who doesn’t seek the board’s permission to enter.

Or whose brand of history doesn’t suit the board.

It’s a rainy Sunday morning, but I suddenly have a yen to visit a historic graveyard.

I would not want to be arrested for trespassing.

How do I get permission to tour the cemetery?

Aha! I’ve got it!

That gushing website!

Why, it’s an open invitation to the public to tour the place.

I’ll just print out a copy of the cemetery’s “Welcome to Forest Hill.”

Seems like that should be enough to get me past security.

Doesn’t it?

As for Wystan Stevens, he says he’s done giving tours.

Not me.

I’m just starting.

See you at Forest Hill!

 Drop me a line at joelthurtell@gmail.com

 

 

 

 

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Luke Warm: how to save Social Security

By Luke Warm

Professor of Mendacity

University of Munchausen

Students! Please be seated and listen up.  According to the course catalog, this class in Public Relations is called Mendacity 101.

I had planned to lecture on “Deceit, Deception, Duplicity and Backstabbing as Public Policy Options.”

But I have been one-upped! With his usual genius for merging public policy with misdirection, the former Speaker of the House and wannabe President, Newt Gingrich, has done me one better. Newt has practiced what I preach: He has employed duplicity in a brave but stealthy attempt at dismantling that icon of Franklin Roosevelt’s New Deal, Social Security. And at the same time, he pretends in his signature phony warmhearted manner that he hopes to preserve the institution of Social Security.

This is Mendacity on a Grand Scale!

In a “position paper,” Newt writes:

Growth and innovation means securing and strengthening Social Security by empowering Americans to invest in personal savings accounts. This gives Americans ownership over their retirement and the opportunity to unleash the power of the market to have prosperous retirements beyond their most optimistic expectations, while also wiping out all future liabilities in the system.

I am in total awe. Can anyone translate Newtspeak into plain English?

Has nobody cracked Newt’s code? Well, what Newt means is that if he’s President, Newt will do his darnedest to kill Social Security. Now, Newt knows that the rich conservatives he needs to vote for him are on the same page with him. Just as Social Security is an icon for liberal Democrats, so the fantasy of destroying Social Security is the bedrock goal of the true conservative. Newt does not need to deceive these people.

But Newt also wants votes of people who might want to keep Social Security because maybe their parents need Social Security payments, maybe they themselves receive Social Security checks, or maybe they see some utility in having a financial safety net for the elderly or disabled. In principle, they want to preserve Social Security, but they would allow for some tinkering.

In other words, they want to be duped. They need a helping hand from Newt in the gulling department.

Newt’s plain English goal, “Elect me and I’ll kill Social Security,” could turn off some voters with basic humanitarian instincts. So he disguises his intent: He will “secure” and “strengthen” Social Security by inventing a program that allows people to divert payments into Social Security to another program altogether. Newt knows that siphoning funds from Social Security would be the kiss of death for Social Security, but a foolhardy voter might think it is benign.

Newt Gingrich is a master of the ruse.

Can anyone tell me what this sentence means?

Growth and innovation means liberating the poor from the trap of the Welfare Empire through new programs that are tailored to local communities, that promote work and that incentivize lifelong study.

Can anyone tell me how “incentivizing lifelong study” is going to replace a monthly Social Security check that pays for food, rent and clothing?

The idea of “liberating the poor” through “lifelong study” is a stroke of genius. What an amazing natural talent the man has to distort, contort and utterly ravage the truth. The super-Nazi Goebbels and his ilk , inventors of the killing-camp entrance sign, “Arbeit Macht Frei” for “Work Makes Freedom” — would have to take their Nazi kepis off to Newt.

But I am worried for Newt. He lacks a sense of History. Has Newt Gingrich not heard of President George W. Bush? Class, only a fool and Mr. Gingrich would dare to broach the subject of Social Security reform after the last Republican President, Mr. George W. Bush, stumbled and failed to achieve a privately-funded rival to the retirement pension system.

Why did President Bush II lose his Social Security battle?

The truth came out.

Let us pause here for a moment and ruminate on that incredibly significant statement. If you are doing public policy, students, what is the very last thing you would want to have happen?

The truth!

The one thing you as a policy-maker want to accomplish above everything is to keep truth locked away in a hidey-hole where nobody can find it. That is why we have Professors of Mendacity like me to teach early the principles of obfuscation, diversion and prestigurgitation.

Republicans said retirees would get a better deal from a private retirement funding system. Stocks and bonds chosen by Joe or Josephine Blow with no training in finance would, so President Bush II argued, yield more money over time than retirees would get back from Social Security.

Well, students, there was a little problem: the dot-com bubble. People wondered if maybe some of those Wall Street billionaires who were shoveling truckloads of currency President Bush II’s way might have something to gain if they got control over a huge boondoggle such as privately-funded investments.

Now, Newt Gingrich has unveiled his own plan to subvert Social Security. His timing is a bit flawed. This time, we are struggling through the wreckage of the real estate bubble.

Remember what the American major said after we bombed a Vietnam village into oblivion?  Newt is telling us we need to destroy Social Security to save it.

Does he really think people will believe that crock?

Is there anything different about the plan for “saving” Social Security rolled out by Newt Gingrich? No. It is the same tired old Republican effort to cheat the nation out of the only retirement income many people will have.

In my next lecture, I will sketch my plan for “saving” Social Security in such a way that Newt Gingrich can totally dupe presidential voters into electing a President dedicated to reducing all but a tiny elite to a poverty sufficient to guarantee a compliant work force flanked by a gigantic pool of jobless people who would be overjoyed to accept any crumbs that might fall from the Republican slop trough.

Loud applause. Cries of “Tell us your plan! Tell us now! We’ll take it to Newt! Tell us!”

Please, please, students. Yes, okay, here is my plan. It is very simple. Everyone in the United States will become a consultant and incorporate as a “think tank” and grab contracts with a quasi-governmental body such as Freddie Mac or health care companies, all of which have paid Mr. Newt Gingrich’s own “think tanks” more than $37 million.

Forget private investment accounts.

Forget Social Security.

Be a consultant.

Be Newt Gingrich.

You’ll reap a retirement beyond your most optimistic expectations!

 Drop me a line at joelthurtell@gmail.com

 

 

 

 

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‘Luke Warm’: as real as the ‘Big Ten’

By Luke Warm

Professor of Mendacity

University of Munchausen

Okay, kids, listen up!

The Big Lie is afoot!

There is a rumor out there that I, Professor Luke Warm, first and foremost holder of the John Hope Despair Chair of Enlightened Mendacity at the distinguished University of Munchausen, DO NOT EXIST!

Baloney.

I will prove my existence.

Why, if I did not exist — that is to say, if there were no Professor of Mendacity and no University of Munchausen — it would be necessary for someone to make me up.

And if I were made up, I would be real.

It has come to my attention that the boss of this joelontheroad enterprise has been dickering with another blog for a gig as a writer.

And the boss likes my stuff.

But these other blog people have a problem.

With me.

They say I’m a “fictional character.”

They think I’m made up!

They don’t want a writer who is not real.

Who could make up a character like me?

I am Luke Warm. I hold any number of BS degrees.

What number do you like?

That’s the number I have!

You all know what BS means, right?

BS ‘r’ me!

Oh, I’ve got dozens of MS diplomas.

More of Same!

But it’s in the arena of PHD degrees that I excel.

Why, I hold dozens of Piled Higher and Deeper sheepskins.

I’ve earned each and every one of them.

I earn them with my wonderful industrial-grade laser printer, which is capable of spitting out diplomas at the rate of dozens per minute.

As for the good old University of Munchausen, who would dare to challenge the existence of my revered alma mater?

I stand accused of being a “literary device.”

It is said that my name, Luke Warm, is mildly absurd.

It is said that my title, Professor of Mendacity, is a ludicrous fabrication that signals that what I write is NOT SERIOUS.

NOT SERIOUS????

What is ludicrous about being a tenured professor at a topnotch Big Hundred university?

You want to talk about academic lies?

Okay, what about that Big Ten?

Huh?

How many universities in the Big Ten right now?

Can you count them?

I can’t.

I know there’s more than 10.

But they still call it Big Ten.

That, students, is a LIE!

And they accuse me of being made up!

What does this tell us?

How many universities, and  I mean topflight universities, in the Big Ten?

Nobody knows.

We got more than 10 — nobody knows how many — universities that CAN’T COUNT!

What does that do to THEIR credibility?

Huh?

Is anybody going around saying Purdue or Northwestern or Illinois or Ohio State doesn’t exist because the name of their athletic league is MADE UP?

Is anyone saying Michigan State or Indiana or Illinois is MADE UP because the Big Ten is a LIE?

So, why the attack on me, Luke Warm, as a fictional character?

So what if my name is made up? It’s as real as the Big Ten!

Oh, and here’s another one. The University of Michigan claims it got its start in 1817.

The University of Michgian, by the way, is a member of that fictional character, the Big Ten.

Well, in 1967, the University of Michigan celebrated its “sesquicentennial — 150 years old!

Now, that is the height of Mendacity.

Can anyone show me a course syllabus from 1817?

A class catalog, maybe??

1817 is a scam, folks.

A fake.

A flagrant fraud!

Does anyone say the University of Michigan is a “fictional character” because it faked its age?

Then why am I, Luke Warm, a legitimate Professor of Mendacity, being tagged as a “fictional character”?

No fair!

I am as real as the Big Ten.

I am as genuine as the founding date of the University of Michigan!

You can’t get more authentic than that.

It follows that I, Luke Warm, am real.

I exist!

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Grant and Sherman: The social network that won the Civil War: VII

By Joel Thurtell

We continue the saga of the Civil War seen through the eyes of General Grant’s sentry:

Time and again, I’m asked to settle the question, “Was Lee drunk at Appomattox?”

My response is always the same:

“When was Lee NOT drunk?”

The correct answer is, “Who knows?”

Who knows whether General Lee was drunk any more than who knows if General Grant was drunk?

Who knows, for instance, if Captain Sam Grant was drunk on duty at an Army post in California?

It’s not on any military record.

It’s not on any other written record.

We only have the word of his “friend” and roommate in California that Captain Grant was told to face a court martial or resign his commission.

One voice.

Even journalists, those lowlifes, demand at least two credible sources before rushing a smear into print.

But some historians fall below that low standard.

And how loud the voice of ill-founded rumor has shouted across the ages.

No such voice ever tattled on General Lee, even when he was Captain Lee.

But if Lee had had a “friend” like the one who started the rumor about Grant, I wonder if Lee might have wound up drunk at Appomattox?

Speakin’ of friends, we had a big problem right in the middle of the Battle of Shiloh ’cause of General Sherman wantin’ to be everybody’s friend on Facebook.

Truth to tell, General Sherman was tryin’ ’em all. He was on Facebook, tweetin’ all the time on Twitter, connectin’ on LinkedIn and messin’ ’round on Klout all at the same time.

Nothin’ wrong with social media, you say?

Well, I’ll tell ya what’s wrong with social media: Nothin’.

Nothin’, ’till you get into a Civil War.

Take General Sherman for an example. He was headin’ up a military school in New Orleens before the Civil War done broke out. Before that, he went to West Point, like most of the bigwig generals like Grant and Lee an’ the Johnstons. They was all part of the army club. But ya get General Sherman runnin’ that school in New Orleens, heart of the South, an’ ‘course he’s hot to be friends with all these Southerners an’ whatnot. They’re all buddies on Facebook, LinkedIn an’ so forth.

No problem, right?

No problem, like Holey Hell!

Soon as South Carolina fired them cannons at Fort Sumter, General Sherman had a big problem he didn’t know about.

He was friends on Facebook with Lee, the Johnstons and dozens of other army guys that showed up wearin’ gray coats.

Now, you tell me that ain’t a problem!

General Sherman, he didn’t even figure it out. Smart guy like that who figured out how to wreck them johnny reb railroads and make ’em stay wrecked. But that’s another Facebook story I’ll tell in due course.

So there we are in the middle of the Battle of Shiloh an’ what’s General Sherman up to? Why, he’s shootin’ jpegs of the fightin’ on his iPhone an’ postin the pictures on Facebook!

Now, Jeff Davis was no dumbie. He was the Confederate president. He was a Facebook friend with General Sherman, ya know, ’cause Jeff Davis was a West Point guy and fought in the Mexi war an’ was Secretary of War in the old Union, too!

Soon as ol’ Jeff Davis sees General Grant’s jpegs on Facebook, ol’ Jeff, he flashes the pictures to Johnston an’ the other johnny reb generals fightin’ ‘gainst General Grant and General Sherman at Pittsburg Landin’ — I mean, at Shiloh.

So now ya got this huge motherbangin’ security lapse.

General Grant could never get it through General Sherman’s head why General Grant don’t DO Facebook.

Time ‘n again, General Grant says, “General Sherman, sorry, I mean Cump, this Facebook networking is gonna kill us one a these days.”

“How we gonna find the enemy, get to him fast, hit him hard and then move on if we tell the enemy we know where he is, how we’re gettin’ to him and how hard we’re gonna hit him and where we’re movin’ on to?”

General Sherman, he was none too happy to hear it.

General Sherman was a railroad man before the Civil War, an’ thought of hisself as a real techie.

All the new apps, General Sherman either had ’em or knew all ’bout ’em. He was readin’ David Puke’s columns in The New York Times.

General Sherman, he kinda looked down on General Grant as a low-tech kinda  general.

General Grant knowed horses.

Oh, did General Grant know horses.

An’ mules.

General Grant knowed you can’t feed a army with pixels.

You want an army to move, you gotta give ’em real corn mush, real bacon, real eggs.

None of this virtual corn mush for General Grant!

Some say General Grant was a failure before the Civil War.

That is not strickly speakin’ so.

Here is what happened, if ya want ta know.

Or not.

General Grant was workin’ in his dad’s leather store in Galena, Illinois when the rebs staraated takin’ pot shots at Fort Sumter.

He seen lotsa people comin’ ta town thirsty as shag-haired dogs with their tongues lollin’ out.

Now General Grant, he did like lemonade.

Plain ol’ lemonade, no spirits added, thank you!

General Grant, he figured a way to put fizz in lemonade and bottle it up so it would hold an’ people could buy a bottle and carry it home or maybe swig away at it ridin’ their horse or sittin’ on their conastogie wagon.

Great tastin’ stuff. He called it “One Up.”

Nobody was a buyin’ One UP.

So he changes the name.

Two Up.

Sales still dead.

Three Up.

No go.

Four Up. Five Up.

Sales of pop were flatter’n day-old Coke.

One last time. He makes new labels.

Six Up.

No good.

General Grant was all set to try again, had the new labels on bottles and ever’thin’. He knew it was all in the name.

But then, the guns shot off at Sumter.

Somebody else come along later an’ made a fortune that coulda been General Grant’s, but for his volunteerin’ to fight in the Civil War.

Stay tuned for more enlightening episodes in our quest to show how the North really won the Civil War.

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“I beat Ohio State!”

By Joel Thurtell

The 80-year-old old guy with the shock of white hair wore a fading maize and blue University of Michigan t-shirt.

But this was not just any Michigan fan. Nor was it just any UM t-shirt.

The younger woman, maybe in her fifties, quite evidently from Ohio, didn’t know either of these things. And neither of us knew something this old man was about to reveal to us, a story I would not piece together for several years, even though I’d known this onetime Michigan football star and coach for more than three decades.

I ought to — I’ve been married to his oldest daughter since 1974.

The conversation — if you can call it that — took place near the dock at J & G Marina on McGregor Bay in Ontario, a few miles by water from an island where this old man and his family had a summer cottage bought in the mid-1960s, when he was a UM football coach, second-in-command under another well-known Michigan player and coach, Bump Elliott.

The Ohio woman spotted the yellow t-shirt with the UM logo and some script she didn’t understand. The shirt was a gift from UM to Hank and those 1948 team-mates still living at the time Michigan won the Rose Bowl game on January 1, 1998. The shirt commemorated two Rose Bowl victories and two National championships 50 years apart. Hank was a member of that New Year’s Day 1949 UM team that blew the University of Southern California away. The score was Michigan 49, USC 0.

The Ohio woman didn’t know this. All she knew was that this old man was wearing a t-shirt belonging to the enemy, the hated University of Michigan. She was an Ohio State fan. An easily perturbed Ohio State fan (aren’t they all?). Had she stopped to learn who this old man was, she might have heard an interesting story. But the ending of that story would have perturbed her even more.

My sons and I watched the Ohio woman, unforgettable because she came on so angry, so full of bile, so hostile to an old man who had said nothing to offend her.

Hank could not respond round for round with this woman’s incessant, nasty volleys. Hank had Alzheimer’s Disease. His memory had long been gone for the people, places, things and events that once were dear to him. I wonder sometimes if all that knock-about football play with the flimsy leather helmets might have contributed to his memory loss.

But I have my memory for who Hank was and I could have told her some phenomenal things about him. Most of it has nothing to do with football. Why, it was Hank who took me fishing in McGregor Bay and put us over the best bass and pike fishing. It was Hank who coached me to filet a bass, pike or any fish with surgical accuracy. It was Hank who helped me with the summer-long project of replacing the porch roof on our first house in Plymouth. I can hear him still: “Measure twice, cut once, measure twice, cut once!”

Hank loved language. Read “Sayings of Hank Fonde” and I think you will agree — he was a poet.

But of course, football was an almost undying love — even with the Alzheimer’s, he could correctly call a play.

Football. He was a high school star in his home town of Knoxville, where his team once stood four other teams in succession, playing fresh teams a quarter apiece. Hank played something called “scatback,” and helped Knoxville knock off all four teams.

Then there was the memorable movie somebody put together from that 1949 Rose Bowl game footage. “Seven Touchdowns in January.” On the screen you can see a small but agile halfback — Hank — scooting around Southern Cal players and lofting the football to a Michigan man, who made a touchdown.

For 10 years in the 1950s, Hank was head football coach at Ann Arbor High School, from 1949-58. In his first eight years, his team lost one game. His overall record was 69 wins, six losses and four ties. Four of the losses occurred his last year, when he and his players knew he was leaving to coach at UM. From 1959-68, Hank coached at UM under Bump Elliott where the win-loss record was nothing to brag about, though this year it was surpassed, if that is the word. But still, Hank coached a Michigan team that won the Jan. 1, 1965 Rose Bowl game against Oregon State, 34-7.

Turns out there was more to learn about Hank and Michigan football, things I didn’t know.

But here was this Ohio woman coming on with her nasty, Michigan-bashing comments, taunting an old man who under normal circumstances can’t remember the beginning of a sentence he’s trying so hard, with such frustration, to conclude.

Yet the Ohio woman wore on, making her crude remarks, getting no response from the old man in the maize and blue t-shirt.

Despite the Alzheimer’s, somehow Hank understood the gist of what the Ohio woman was saying.

As she paused for breath, Hank at last found words.

Amazingly, he put together a sentence rooted in a core memory, a recollection that even the brutal Alzheimer’s could not erase.

“I beat Ohio State!”

It was amazing to hear him utter a complete sentence, and to do it with such sternness, such authority.

The Ohio woman looked at Hank as if she finally understood that this old man was demented.

I have to admit, his comment puzzled me.

The Ohio woman went silent.

I thought about it: “I beat Ohio State!”

What could Hank have meant?

The Ohio woman drifted away, maybe looking for someone elderly with a green Michigan State shirt to haze.

Several years later, I was visiting Hank’s son, my brother-in-law, Mark Fonde. Mark has one of the footballs Hank was given after games when he made crucial plays.

This particular football, faded, worn and deflated, had painted on it, “Michigan 7, Ohio 3.”

What was the significance of that? I asked Mark.

Mark told me the story. It was 1945, the last game of the season, and Michigan as usual was facing arch-rival Ohio State.

Ohio scored a field goal for 3 points early in the game. The score stayed 0-3 until the last quarter.

In that fourth quarter, Hank took the ball and barreled into the end zone. He was clobbered by Ohio State tacklers and knocked back onto the playing field. He was literally knocked out, too, only regaining consciousness in the locker room when somebody handed him a football.

He’d made the winning touchdown for Michigan. The game had ended, 7-3.

Last summer, I mentioned this to my older son, Adam. He reminded me of what granddad said to the Ohio woman.

Finally, I understand what Hank meant.

If she could only know: How many people can say with absolute accuracy what Hank told that Ohio woman?

“I beat Ohio State!”

Drop me a line at joelthurtell(at)gmail.com

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Prof. Warm’s Social Security plan

By Luke Warm

Professor of Mendacity

University of Munchausen

As I have said so many times, the Republican party is second only to me, a highly-trained Professor of the Duplicitous Arts, in deceiving the public on matters of public and private policy.

In a recent lecture, I promised to sketch my plan for saving Social Security.

I am hoping Mr. Newt Gingrich, one of the finest liars in a GOP stable of formidable bullshit-slingers, will pick up my plan.

Of course, I will expect to reap my usual high fees for saving him from ruining his campaign for President by sailing over the shoal waters of Social Security.

Mr. Newt Gingrich’s position paper on Social Security is a monument to mendacity:

Growth and innovation means securing and strengthening Social Security by empowering Americans to invest in personal savings accounts. This gives Americans ownership over their retirement and the opportunity to unleash the power of the market to have prosperous retirements beyond their most optimistic expectations, while also wiping out all future liabilities in the system.

Soon, I will spin out my own plan for saving Social Security.

Loud applause from students. Cries of “Tell us now! Now! We want to know! We’ll take it to Newt!”

Okay, students. Please tell Mr. Newt Gingrich to put my plan where the least light will shine on it.

My plan is simple. Even a dunce could accomplish it.

Each and every citizen of the United States will become a consultant just as Mr. Newt Gingrich has done.

Each and every citizen will incorporate a “think tank.”

Then, each and every citizen will go out and get a contract with a quasi-governmental body such as Freddie Mac or some health care entity on the make, all of which have paid Mr. Newt Gingrich’s “think tanks” more than $37 million.

I am not greedy.

I could retire nicely on $37 million plus change.

So forget Social Security.

Be a consultant.

You’ll reap a retirement beyond your most optimistic expectations!

 

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Pepper gas kills

By Joel Thurtell

In light of the current controversy surrounding use by cops of pepper spray, I’m reprinting my Detroit Free Press articles in 2000 and 2003 about the death of a Pontiac, Michigan man, Kerwin Thomas from an asthma attack brought on by a dose of pepper spray from Waterford Township police. Three years after Thomas’s death, a federal court awarded Thomas’s family and their law firm $1.6 million in damages. Here, with permission of the Free Press, are the two stories I wrote:

Story ID

0002010113

DETROIT FREE PRESS

PUB DATE

Tuesday, February 01, 2000

EDITION

OAKLAND EDITION

SECTION

NWS

PAGE

1B

ILLUSTRATION BY

 

CAPTION

 

Byline

JOEL THURTELL FREE PRESS STAFF WRITER

 

MEMO

 

CORRECTION

 

AUTOPSY: PEPPER GAS WAS FATAL

IT TRIGGERED ASTHMA IN PONTIAC MAN, 29

The Oakland County medical examiner is warning area police officers that

pepper gas — the modern and supposedly harmless substitute for the

policeman’s truncheon — can be lethal.

 

Dr. L.J. Dragovic said he learned of the danger of pepper gas two weeks ago,

after an autopsy showed that 29-year-old Kerwin Thomas of Pontiac died from

inhaling the chemical spray. Waterford police said they sprayed Thomas after

he attacked them during a traffic stop.

 

While ruling Thomas’ death an accident, the medical examiner said the cause

was “acute bronchial asthma due to pepper spray-induced irritation of the

airways.”

 

Dragovic said he’s concerned about the risk pepper gas poses to people with

asthma or allergies. He’s reviewing literature on pepper gas deaths, including

a 1994 study by the International Association of Chiefs of Police that showed

30 deaths between August 1991 and December 1993.

 

“It’s not without some risks and side effects, and in the right person,

unfortunately, it’s a deadly combination,” Dragovic said.

 

The use of pepper spray was criticized by the American Civil Liberties Union

in Richmond, Va., following the death of a Roanoke, Va., man two years ago,

said Kent Willis, executive director of the ACLU of Virginia.

 

In a normal person, pepper spray causes tears, sneezing and irritation of the

nose. But Thomas suffered from bronchial asthma, a condition that was

triggered by the gas, Dragovic said.

 

Pepper gas is a nontoxic spray that allows police to subdue unruly suspects

without hitting them, said Terry Jungel, executive director of the Michigan

Sheriffs Association.

 

“Pepper spray, under some circumstances, is a lethal product, and it is

impossible for people to always know when it is going to be lethal. And that

is reason enough not to use it,” Willis said.

 

Dragovic said police couldn’t have known that Thomas suffered from bronchial

asthma.

 

According to police, Thomas leaped out of the car and dragged one officer to

the ground, pinning him and injuring his back. The officer sprayed Thomas,

handcuffed him — with the help of his partner — and took him to the Oakland

County Jail. At the jail, Thomas allegedly fought again, then collapsed. He

was taken to the North Oakland Medical Centers in Pontiac, where he died, said

Waterford Police Lt. Dale LaCroix.

 

Dragovic said a microscopic study of Thomas’ lungs showed that the pepper

spray had caused his airways to collapse and he died from lack of oxygen.

 

The Waterford police have no plans to stop using pepper spray, LaCroix said.

Pepper gas “is used as an alternative to a weapon. It’s still a tool. We

usually use this before we use a blunt trauma object like a nightstick.”

 

Dragovic said he doesn’t know what to advise police, but “the situation

resulting in a death is a concern.”

 

Willie Thomas has hired former Wayne County Medical Examiner Dr. Werner Spitz

to conduct an independent review of his son’s autopsy.

 

“He was my big old teddy bear. He wasn’t going to hurt anybody,” Thomas said.

 

 

 

JOEL THURTELL can be reached at 248-586-2609 or thurtell@freepress.com.

KEYWORDS

PEPPER SPRAY;DEATH;ASTHMA;KERWIN THOMAS

DISCLAIMER

THIS ELECTRONIC VERSION MAY DIFFER SLIGHTLY FROM THE PRINTED ARTICLE.

COPYRIGHT

Copyright (c) 2000 Detroit Free Press

2000

Story ID

0308080453

DETROIT FREE PRESS

PUB DATE

Friday, August 08, 2003

EDITION

OAKLAND EDITION

SECTION

NWS

PAGE

1B

ILLUSTRATION BY

 

CAPTION

 

Byline

JOEL THURTELL FREE PRESS STAFF WRITER

 

MEMO

SHORTER VERSION RAN IN METRO FINAL EDITION, PAGE 6B.

CORRECTION

 

OFFICIAL: SUIT WON’T HALT USE OF SPRAY

WATERFORD TO PAY BULK OF $1.6-MILLION AWARD

A$1.6-million federal court settlement in the case of a Pontiac man who died

after police from Waterford and Oakland County overdosed him with pepper spray

won’t stop county deputies from using the cayenne-based gas, a county attorney

said Thursday.

 

The settlement will cost Waterford $1 million and the county $650,000,

according to documents in the public file of the federal courthouse in

Detroit.

 

Those documents weren’t supposed to be made public, said deputy Oakland County

Corporation Counsel Keith Lerminiaux.

 

“All the parties agreed that the settlement would remain confidential,”

Lerminiaux said Thursday. “I can’t comment on the amount.”

 

Free Press attorney Herschel Fink said any attempt by attorneys to suppress

the amount of the settlement would violate the Michigan Freedom of Information

Act.

 

Citing the same confidentiality agreement, Waterford Township Attorney Joseph

Seward said, “The case has been resolved, but that’s all I’m at liberty to

discuss.”

 

But Lerminiaux said the county won’t modify its use of pepper spray to deal

with people who resist arrest.

 

“The resolution of the matter has no effect on the sheriff’s department

policies regarding the use of pepper spray or anything similar to that,”

Lerminiaux said. “We feel confident that our officers acted appropriately. We

made a decision to resolve a doubtful and disputed claim.”

 

Waterford Township Supervisor Carl Solden did not return a phone call and a

Waterford Police Department spokeswoman said there was no one in that office

available to comment.

 

Geoffrey Fieger and Rebecca Walsh, attorneys for the heirs to the victim,

Kerwin Thomas, did not return calls, either.

 

Thomas, 29, was first dosed with pepper spray when he was stopped in January

2000 by Waterford police. Thomas, who was a large man, fought with police on

the street and later fought again with sheriff’s deputies at the County Jail.

At the jail, county deputies again dosed him with pepper spray.

 

Oakland County Medical Examiner L.J. Dragovic had said the cause of death was

an asthma attack — constriction of Thomas’ airways from breathing the pepper

gas. But Dragovic said Thursday that he did not think pepper spray was the

primary cause of Thomas’ death.

 

“There was no way that anyone could foresee the asthma” attack, he said.

“Pepper spray remains a good tool in trying to subdue someone,” Dragovic said,

adding that Thomas was a muscular 380 pounds and was difficult for police to

handle.

 

In 1994, a study by the International Association of Chiefs of Police found

that from 1990 to 1993, 30 people died in police custody in the United States

after being sprayed with pepper. However, in many cases, the people were

either on drugs or had been handcuffed or hog-tied.

 

In the weeks after Thomas’ death, Waterford police said they would not stop

using pepper spray.

 

Troy Police Lt. Steve Zavislak said in 2000 that he believed pepper spray had

reduced police-caused fatalities because it’s less violent than striking a

person with a club.

 

Shortly after Thomas’ death, his father, Willie Thomas of Pontiac, said his

son meant nobody any harm and called him “my big teddy bear.” On Thursday,

Willie Thomas said he’s getting over his son’s death, but he’s still bitter:

“They took our son.”

 

As for the impact of the payout on police use of spray, Thomas said, “I don’t

know if it’s going to change them or not.”

 

According to the settlement, the $1.6 million will be shared between Kerwin

Thomas’ parents, children and siblings.

 

Willie Thomas will receive $154,810.86 as will Kerwin Thomas’ mother, Evelyn

Chambers. Daughters Sirena Arkwright, Naomi Turner and Shaniqua Walker will

each receive $205,914.48. Kerwin Thomas’ brothers, Keno and Jason Thomas, each

will receive $51,603.61.

 

Fieger’s law firm is to collect $519,786.20 in fees plus $65,641.42 to cover

legal costs. Other attorneys who worked on the case are to receive $6,500.

 

Contact JOEL THURTELL at 248-586-2609 or  thurtell@freepress.com.

KEYWORDS

CIVILIAN DEATH;WATERFORD POLICE DEPARTMENT;PEPPER SPRAY;LAWSUIT;GEOFFREY FIEGER

DISCLAIMER

THIS ELECTRONIC VERSION MAY DIFFER SLIGHTLY FROM THE PRINTED ARTICLE.

COPYRIGHT

Copyright (c) 2003 Detroit Free Press

 

 

Posted in Bad government, People | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

Warm warns Newt: Social Security a bomb

By Luke Warm

Professor of Mendacity

University of Munchausen

It has been very difficult for me to remain on track for this semester’s lecture series on “Deceit, Deception, Duplicity and Backstabbing in the Newsroom and Beyond.”

Wonderful things have happened in the wide world of Mendacity.

In the state of Michigan, for instance, one family and their bridge held the entire state Legislature and by extension its 9,935,823 inhabitants hostage to their narrow and greed-pocked interest.

Their chief means of achieving their twisted and perverse goals?

Deceit, deception and duplicity piled onto a tall mound of cash.

My Master Liar’s cap is off to the Moroun family, although I would caution them that despite their dramatic demonstration of just how much clout a billionaire can exert in a single state Capitol, the last act has not been written. The finale in this play founded on the brainwashing art has not been written, and the Morouns will need help from an expert at public subversion whose services do not come cheap.

Which is to say me, Professor of Mendacity Luke Warm.

Students, I hope you understand how difficult it has been for me to stay the course, so to speak. While the local scene has seen a rich harvest of mendacious feats, the nation at large has witnessed an unprecedented growth in the ability of politicians, almost all Republicans, to persuade voters that black is white and up is down.

Again, the GOP will need help going into the 2012 presidential election cycle, as only I, Professor of Mendacity Luke Warm, am qualified to reverse the deception and prove that down is up and white is black.

Today, I would like to heap my accolades on the head and shoulders of the former Republican Speaker of the House, Mr. Newt Gingrich.

For boldness, shrewdness and sheer temerity, Mr. Gingrich has no peer.

He has trod toward the outer reaches of audacity, albeit not without a certain risk to his credibility.

One thing Mr. Gingrich will never lose his credibility on is his ability to distort, contort and utterly ravage the truth.

But, as I say, there is a weak link in his logical train. I am prepared to help him weld those links into a formidable concatenation of conspiracy, of course, always in return for an infusion of cash for my services as a consultant.

Why do I praise Mr. Gingrich for his audacity?

Because, class, only a fool and Mr. Gingrich would dare to broach the subject of Social Security reform after the last Republican President, Mr. George W. Bush, attempted and failed to achieve a privately-funded rival to the magnificent retirement pension system known as Social Security that is the legacy of President Franklin Roosevelt.

Why did President Bush II fail to win his Social Security battle?

I assure you that if he had hired me, Professor of Mendacity Luke Warm, to manage his public relations program, the result would have been dramatically different.

President Bush II lost on Social Security because truth came out again and again.

Republicans argued that retirees would get a better deal if they invested throughout their working lives in a private retirement funding system. Stocks and bonds would, so President Bush II argued, yield more money over time than retirees would get back from Social Security.

Well, students, there was a little problem with that assertion. It was called the dot-com bubble.

When those people fortunate enough to possess portfolios saw how low the value of their investments had sunk after that bubble burst, they were wont to take President Bush II and his Republican lackeys with several huge grains of salt.

People wondered if maybe some of those Wall Street billionaires who were shoveling truckloads of currency President Bush II’s way might have something to gain if they got control over a huge potential boondoggle such as privately-funded investments.

In other words, the public is not without its highly sensitive bullshit detectors, and alarms went off all over the nation.

The plain truth is that Social Security works.

It is not true that people pay more into the system while working than they draw out of it when retired.

That is sheer Republican bullshit.

The truth being so self-evident, President Bush II was inundated by huge waves of his own self-imposed crap.

Now, Newt Gingrich has unveiled his own plan to subvert Social Security.

Audacious?

Wow! And then some.

This time around, we are struggling through the wreckage of the real estate bubble, wherein stocks and bonds have lost 40 percent of their value.

Even a child can see that if all of your eggs were invested in Wall Street, retirement would consist of sitting on a street corner selling pencils.

That, quite evidently, is what Republicans have in mind for the 99.9 percent of us who are cut out of the GOP spoils system.

Oh yes, students, despite all the high-flown rhetoric about “saving” Social Security, the real aim of the GOP is to destroy this excellent defined benefit pension system so that workers once again will live in thrall to their Republican bosses. Remember what the American major said after we bombed a Vietnam village into oblivion?  Well, Mr. Newt Gingrich is telling us that we need to destroy Social Security to save it.

A powerful concept indeed, slavery.

For that is what Republicans really have in mind for us.

Slaves in fact if not in name — that is the ultimate goal Republicans want for those unlucky enough to be rich.

I repeat: Opulent luxury for the cream of the cream and miserable serfdom for the rest of society is the ultimate goal of the Republican Party.

Unfortunately for President Bush II, his aim was all too clear.

Is there anything different about the plan for “saving” Social Security rolled out by Mr. Newt Gingrich?

No. It is the same tired old Republican effort to cheat the nation out of the only retirement income many people will have.

If Mr. Newt Gingrich had consulted me, I would have advised him not to touch Social Security with a 10-mile pole.

It is a self-inflicted wound that will fester and over the course of the campaign it will infect his entire effort at election.

But what do I care? I am a Professor of Mendacity on the Make. Pay me my fees, that is all I ask.

What’s done is done. Now, Mr. Newt Gingrich needs the services of a brilliant prevaricateur such as myself to spin out enough half-truths, semi-lies and sheer bullshit so as to scam the American public into voting for a man who aims to screw them to the wall first before cutting them apart bit by bit.

In my next lecture, I will sketch my plan for “saving” Social Security in such a way that Mr. Newt Gingrich can totally dupe presidential voters into electing a President dedicated to reducing all but a tiny elite to a pauperdom sufficient to guarantee in perpetuity a compliant work force flanked by a gigantic pool of jobless people who would be overjoyed to accept any crumbs that might fall from the Republican slop trough.

 

 

 

Posted in Bad government, Joel's J School | Tagged , , , , , , | 1 Comment