Grant and Sherman: The social network that won the Civil War: I

Posted on November 12, 2011 by hro50ta1

By Joel Thurtell

It is amazing the kind of things you run across in the journalism trade. Couple days ago, a guy stopped by the joelontheroad.com offices and showed us an old, tattered shoe box. Out of the box, he drew some yellowed parchment with neat cursive script. The writing was so immaculate, I knew it had to be old — nobody in these modern times writes a concise hand like that. The guy said it was the memoir of a soldier in the Union army who served under Grant. The soldier’s perspective gives us quite a different account of how the Civil War was conducted. We, the editorial staff of joelontheroad.com, believe that publication of this discovery will set Civil War historiography on its ear. Since the document might conceivably be genuine, we decided to begin publishing it in occasional installments at times when there is no big news to break and nobody will suffer from reading some boring history.

Here, then, is one soldier’s account of service with General Grant:

General Grant was worried. You could see it in the way he chewed on his cigar. He was chewing aft to fore on the spit-bedraggled stump. That was a sure sign he was worried. When he chewed a cigar stump from fore to aft, meaning he worked it into his mouth, over his tongue starting with the section closest to the burning tip, you knew things were going well.

But this time he was chawing the stogie the other way, and we knew trouble was a-brewin’.

I was a sentry doing picket duty, so I had a clear view of General Grant where he sat on a three-legged camp stool in front of his headquarters tent at Savannah, Tennessee. General Grant turned his head and spoke to me around the stump of his cigar, which he propelled, with his tongue, to the side of his mouth.

“Where’s Lew?” he said.

By “Lew,” General Grant meant General Lew Wallace. Lew had not been heard from for some time, and General Grant could not think what was keeping him.

“He’s late for breakfast,” General Grant said. “He was gonna show me some new chapters.”

For the life of us, we could not figure out why Lew was late. He was always eager to show General Grant chapters he’d written for his book, “Ben-Hur.”

“What the devil’s keepin’ Lew?” General Grant said.

All of a sudden, a ring chime sounded. It was coming from General Grant’s MacBook Pro.

General Grant had his MacBook Pro sitting on some planks he’d laid across a couple sawhorses. Now, he shifted the laptop to his knees, opened the lid and clicked on gmail.

He read the latest message: “Ulys, you have notifications pending.”

“Who’s it from?” I asked.

I may be a mere sentry, but I can’t help myself when it comes to e-mail. I’ve gotta know what’s bein’ said.

General Grant had the common touch an didn’t mind talking to a mere sentry.

“It’s from General Sherman,” said General Grant. “He wants to be ‘friends’.”

“Well?” I said. “Do you want to be ‘friends’ with him?”

“Dunno,” said General Grant.

“He’s a crazy kinda guy,” I said.

“I know,” said General Grant. “They say he’s a real looney.”

“Well,” I said boldly,”They say you’re drunk.”

“Look at me,” said General Grant. “Do I look drunk to you?”

“No,” I said. “You look like you’ve slobbered on your cigar so much that you’ve put it out.”

General Grant took his cigar out, realized that I was right and that it was no longer lit.

“Oh well,” he said. “It’s not the way it smokes that counts. It’s the way it looks. Where is that guy Brady with the photo machine? This would be a good time to take a picture of me in repose.”

“What about General Sherman?” I said. “Are you gonna be ‘friends’ with him?”

“Remains to be seen,” said General Grant. “Where’s Lew?”

Just then, there was another chime from General Grant’s laptop.

“Doggonit!” said General Grant. “Lew has got himself lost on the other side of the Tennessee River. He and all his division are stuck in some swamp.”

“This is bad,” I said. “Lew’s gonna be late for the Battle of Shiloh.”

“Well,” said General Grant. “That’s no big deal. But I wanted to read more of Ben-Hur.”

Just then, there was another chime from General Grant’s MacBook Pro. It was from General Sherman, again.

“Boy, he sure wants to be ‘friends’,” said General Grant. “Well, let’s see how he does at the Battle of Shiloh.”

Now, lots of generals and even some colonels came over to General Grant’s tent. “Somethin’s happenin’ up at Shiloh,” they said.

“I know, I know,” said General Grant. “Sherman wants to be my buddy. I’m thinkin’ about it.”

“Well,” said one of the colonels, “I just got a cell phone image of some johnnie rebs havin’ breakfast in Sherman’s tent.”

“Why’s Sherman eatin’ with the enemy when he wants to be friends with me?” wondered General Grant. “Breakfast sure sounds good. Can’t count on Lew Wallace. Get me my crutch.”

General Grant had hurt himself when a horse fell on him the other day, and he had to walk with a crutch. Now, he hobbled to his feet and looked at the generals and colonels standing around there.

“Don’t just stand around there,” General Grant said. “Somebody book me a steamboat. I’m goin’ up the Tennessee River to Shiloh and see what Sherman’s havin’ for breakfast.”

I ventured a question: “So you’re gonna be ‘friends’ with Sherman?”

“Could be yes, could be no,” said General Grant. “Depends what kinda bacon he’s got.”

Will General Grant accept General Sherman’s Facebook request to be his ‘friend’? We may find out in the next gripping installment of “How Social Networking Won the Civil War.” Or maybe not.

Posted in Adventures in history, General Grant's sentry | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

High-cost CYA

Posted on November 11, 2011 by hro50ta1

By Luke Warm

Professor of Mendacity

University of Munchausen

Aren’t you just in total awe of Herman Cain and his legion of high-priced lawyers and researchers working overtime to tarnish other people’s reputations so they can cover the ass of their boss?

As a public relations artist specializing in misdirection, duplicity and deceit, I’ve always followed the maxim, “Why tell the truth when a lie will serve a better purpose?”

But Herman Cain is pushing damage control to a new level that stretches far beyond the realm of mere mendacity.

Herman Cain is using threats, intimidation and outright bully-boy tactics in hopes of tamping down the truth that is spreading all around him.

If his approach works, I will be amazed.

In fact, I will include his case study in my forthcoming textbook, “Living the Lie in Public Life.”

While I coach people on duplicity, I always counsel against appearing mean. At least, in public.

Sure, a little spite and vitriol are good for the soul. But Herman Cain’s lawyer has gotten over-the-top vindictive.

“Think twice,” warned Herman Cain’s mouthpiece as he methodically went about attacking the witnesses speaking up against his client.

I have grave doubts about Herman Cain’s ability to control the power he’s unleashing.

The truth is that Herman Cain is a bully. We have learned from his accusers that he is a sexual harrasser, and yes, I can even say a sexual predator who has tried to force and bribe his way to sexual gratification.

What lends authenticity to these women’s charges is the fact that they have nothing to gain and, as Herman Cain is making clear, lots to lose by coming forward with their stories.

These are charges that would mortify and chasten a lesser mortal than Herman Cain.

But Herman Cain is no mere man, no mere politically-motivated CEO with a yen for being President.

Herman Cain is a thug with very nasty instincts, if we are to believe the women.

When one, and then two, witnesses came out to describe his misbehavior, he responded with an all-out effort to destroy their reputations.

The question, class, is this: Will the public be deceived by Herman Cain’s musclebound tactics, or will they be repelled in disgust at further signs of how he treats females who are powerless in comparison to his professional, political and financial position?

Note that the people who are backing Herman Cain are male, including the high-priced lawyer Herman Cain is using as a front for his further victimization of the women he harassed.

The lawyer for the women is female.

And we have two other hefty males — Matt Drudge and Rush Limbaugh — noisily supporting Herman Cain.

Here is the danger from a public relations perspective: Does Herman Cain think that women do not vote?

Much as I hate to admit it, being myself an inveterate distorter and muddier-of-the-waters, but I’m afraid that for once the truth — a little morsel of veracity — would have served Herman Cain better.

Admit the bad behavior, apologize and move on. Make this bad moment in your political ascent a historical footnote.

But Herman Cain instead has made history into the living present.

Herman Cain prefers to gamble.

Herman Cain hopes that threatening to destroy the reputations and lives of two courageous women who dared to speak truth about him will frighten his other victims into staying silent.

So far, we have two heroes who dared to challenge a bully. How many more heroes will be willing to run the gauntlet of smears the Herman Cain Lie Machine turns out?

The more the truth comes out, the worse the future for Herman Cain.

I prefer the realm of lies, which an expert like me can manage.

Once a liar trespasses onto the terrain of intimidation, events are much harder to control.

Watch out, Herman Cain!

Rush Limbaugh and Matt Drudge won’t be with us when we cast our votes.

Posted in Joel's J School | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

Ace prevaricator: Herman Cain

Posted on November 10, 2011 by hro50ta1

By Luke Warm

Professor of Mendacity

University of Munchausen

Students, I would apologize for once more violating my pledge to stick with the syllabus for this class, Mentirization 101. My scripture today normally would come straight from my textbook, “Lying for Fun and Money,” published by Buncombe University Press and for sale at $1,001 plus tax where applicable or not.

But why would I apologize to you for breaking a promise, when this class is all about broken vows and pulling wool over people’s eyes? Lying, in short, is the heart’s blood of our lesson, and therefore, it is your privilege to live through the screen of lies I toss out in this class.

But I digress.

I would like to deviate from script today to toss laurels at the small band of campaign managers working for Herman Cain.

What virtuosos these men are at pulling all the appropriate strings that control the half-truths, smears and downright bald-faced lies necessary to keep a modern political campaign afloat.

Such deceptions are all the more necessary when the candidate is being chased by haridans of righteousness who point the accusatory finger of sexual harassment at a vital male candidate who as we all know from press reports undoubtedly committed the offenses of groping and fondling and outright propositioning of female employees he supervised as head of the National Restaurant Association.

The beauty of the Herman Cain situation, as seen from our ivory tower, is the seeming hopelessness of the man’s position. Early on, his misbehavior was reported in the media, but the victims refused to speak out. Others who knew of the circumstances spoke for them.

Herman Cain took appropriate measures: He denied, denied, denied.

Better yet, he attacked, attacked, attacked.

He blamed a fellow Republican candidate for starting the sexual harassment story. When that failed to quell the uproar, he blamed the press.

Blaming the media is always a good idea. Journalists have less credibility with the public than politicians. Why, journalists rank below professors of mendacity!

Now that real women have put their faces and voices behind the accusations, Herman Cain has his work cut out for him. Standing away from the fray for a moment, I am obliged to say that I actually believe the women. Why? Because they have nothing to gain and everything to lose from exposing themselves and their near and dear to the withering fire not only of Herman Cain and his ax-tonged hangers-on, but because these accounts of gross behavior which agree with each other in general are coming from people with no connection to each other and again, people who have no reason to expect monetary gain from telling the truth.

For a liar like Herman Cain, such adversaries present a gigantic challenge. How does he offset the truth with flim-flam? First one woman came out with her story of outrageous misbehavior by Herman Cain. The woman has financial problems, including two bankruptcies, and Herman Cain appropriately pounced on those weaknesses and exposed them for all the world to see.

While I commend him for his bravura performance, I caution you, students, that Herman Cain is treading on dangerous ground here. He has made the unwise claim that he does not know this woman, yet he has access to all sorts of financial and other background about her. He doesn’t know her, and yet he KNOWS her!

I would warn you against making this kind of mistake. In their haste to discredit a powerful witness, one whose credibility is without real question, they have stepped into the trap of self-contradiction. That trap already shows signs of springing on Herman Cain, given that The New York Times has pointed it out.

The path of prevarication is a difficult way. It is easy to fall into the error of inconsistency. While Herman Cain’s approach has not been perfect, I am impressed with his ability to rebound from a blunder.

Now that a second accuser has emerged, compounding veracity is likely to overwhelm this man’s campaign. Oh yes, polls show Republican voters still like him. For the moment. But will they still like him if he continues pounding these women, who claim to have been his victims?

I perceive signs from the Herman Cain campaign that Herman Cain may belatedly recognize that double-victimization — groping the women then and denying it now while vilifying the victims — could reflect poorly on him as time goes on.

Walloping the Democrats was a brilliant idea. It is so easy to beat on the Dems, and they are such wimps that they absorb abuse without whimpering. Shifting the focus away from the victims and toward the other political party was a move tinged with genius.

If Herman Cain keeps hammering the Democrats, he may be able to chase away his emerging image of sexual predator. But here is the danger for a liar like Herman Cain: Haranguing the Democrats is a small patch over the huge hole that has been blown in Herman Cain’s credibility. If the two women amplify their descriptions of Herman Cain’s foul personality, he will need lies more powerful than finger-pointing at GOP candidates, Democrats and an unemployed woman whose very financial difficulties may come to be seen as the result of his wanton disrespect for her as a woman. And if a third woman should come forth — watch out, Herman Cain!

I foresee that Herman Cain will soon require lies of a magnitude that are beyond the capacity of his small staff to generate or even to imagine.

What Herman Cain needs right now to re-orient his image is a series of distortions bordering on the delusional.

In short, Herman Cain needs a Professor of Mendacity to steer his campaign off the shoal waters of truth and back into the deep ocean of fabrication.

Such a practitioner of the mendacious art does not come cheap.

I know of such an expert in the art of deception.

Me.

Now, back to my lecture on “Duplicity as High Art.”

Posted in Joel's J School | Tagged , , | 3 Comments

Blimping along

Posted on November 9, 2011 by hro50ta1

I like to hitch rides in airplanes. The

Detroit’s old Fort Wayne seen from Sanyo blimp. Joel Thurtell photo.

smallest plane I ever rode in was an Aeronca, sort of like a Piper Cub. The fastest plane I ever went up in was a Navy F/A-18, and what a ride that was. I’ve ridden in DC-3s, back when they still made passenger runs in the Midwest. I got a hop in a World War II AT-6 like the kind of plane my dad trained in. And I’ve ridden in many commercial passenger airlines, both propellor-driven and jet. But the oddest flight was the one I took in a lighter-than-air craft, the Sanyo blimp. Here, with permission from the Detroit Free Press, is the June 2004 story I wrote about my ride in a blimp.

Sanyo blimp tethered at Grosse Ile Airport. Joel Thurtell photo

By JOEL THURTELL

Free Press Staff Writer

Just stepping onto a blimp is exciting.

This big bag of gas won’t stay still. A dozen men held the Sanyo blimp by ropes Saturday, letting it swing like a weather vane above Grosse Ile’s airfield.

It bobbed up and down as passengers, one at a time, aimed a foot at the little boarding step to make their entrance, hopping.

Surprise again – your weight presses this 150,000-cubic-foot bag of helium down and away.

Like stepping onto a boat.

Detroit’s Ambassador Bridge seen from Sanyo blimp. Joel Thurtell photo.

Like a boat, a blimp depends on buoyancy – the helium in that gas bag is lighter than air, and forces the 165-foot vessel skyward, said blimp pilot Steve Tomlin.

The white blimp with its scarlet Sanyo logo is based at the Grosse Ile Municipal Airport for a meeting of company executives today.

There’s no danger of explosion, because helium is an inert element and won’t burn.

But the idea of riding in this big gas bag made some people nervous.

“I don’t  mind flying — except take-offs and landings,” said Lori Sullivan of Dexter. Her son, 12-year-old Austin, and husband Kevin went for the ride. But Lori Sullivan stayed on the ground with daughter Madeleine, 6.

“It looks like a school bus.” Blimp gondola, or car. Joel Thurtell photo.

“It looks like a school bus with a balloon on top!” said Madeleine.

Inside that “school bus,” passengers buckled seat belts. Outside, a dozen men clung to thick ropes dangling from the blimp’s bow. They guided the nose into the wind. Pilot Carl Harbuck revved the twin Lycoming 180-horsepower engines and spun a big black vertical wheel that points the bow up or down,

The blimp’s big white bow rose, pointing sharply upward.

In a 20-knot wind, the blimp was making 45 mph as it flew north over the Detroit River. A thousand feet below, a long orange freighter plowed along.

Tiger Stadium, later demolished, seen from blimp. Joel Thurtell photo.

In gusts, the blimp pitched and rolled.

One passenger complained of a queasy stomach.

Grinning, Austin Sullivan shot photos out the big window.

“It’s great!” he said.

The car, or gondola, can hold nine passengers, but the pilots limited its capacity to six Saturday because of gusts.

The trips came close to being cancelled when Tomlin earlier Saturday found the blimp was making no headway in 45-knot winds.

“I was absolutely stationary – I was getting concerned,” Tomlin said.

Detroit River and Detroit skyline seen from Sanyo blimp. Joel Thurtell photo.

When it’s not being flown, the blimp is moored to a 30-foot steel mast. One of the 14-member crew keeps watch at all times. Parker was on duty Thursday when it was raining on and off. He was constantly tossing 25-pound cloth bags full of buckshot on or off the blimp to adjust its height.

Approaching the Ambassador Bridge, Harbuck pointed the bow down for a sweeping view out the windshield of the big blue span and the tall buildings of Detroit.

The blimp made a sweeping turn, past the old Tiger Stadium, the empty Michigan Central Railroad terminal, and then we were heading south over Zug Island and the blast furnaces of a steel mill.

My ticket for a blimp ride. Joel Thurtell photo.

No other aircraft can give such a slow-moving, close view of the earth. At 45 mph, it’s moving slower than the slowest airplane. There’s plenty of time to look and look again.

A big silver four-engined airplane with a tall tail loomed into view.

It was the Yankee Air Force’s restored World War II-era B-17, flying a mile or so away.

The big bomber passed the blimp like it was nailed to a cloud.

Slow and ponderous it may be, but for sheer elegance, the blimp beats an airplane.

Sanyo blimp at Grosse Ile Airport. Joel Thurtell photo.

Drop me a line at joelthurtell(at)gmail.com

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Matty Moroun: public servant

Posted on November 7, 2011 by hro50ta1

By Joel Thurtell

I want to thank Matty Moroun and his heirs for the wonderful service they have performed for their fellow Americans.

While most pundits are pillorying the Morouns for blocking construction of a new government bridge between Canada and the U.S., I would like just for a few seconds to view the forest through the trees.

Oh sure, I know: The Morouns with their billionaire’s wanton disregard for public good have tried through every means but mostly foul to corrupt our system of government and tilt the table to favor their family-owned monopoly, the Ambassador Bridge.

But it is precisely for their sometimes transparent efforts at purchasing votes and bullying judges that I want to thank the Morouns.

The behavior of this billionaire family is being replicated all over the country as rich moguls like Matty Moroun reap ever-higher profits and add even more billions to their fortunes.

But here in Detroit, we are lucky to have the Morouns.

They have provided us with what educators call “a teachable moment.”

Does anyone now doubt that money corrupts and absolute money corrupts absolutely?

Does anyone not believe that the more money you give to pricks, the bigger pricks they become?

Look at the Morouns!

For years, they got their way quietly.

They bought a mayor.

They stole a city boat launch and part of a city park, padlocked the boat ramp and erected a fence around city property.

Put phony “Homeland Security” signs on city property.

Kicked people out of a public park.

Even now, the Morouns behave as if the park belongs to them.

But the corruption of the Michigan Legislature happened partly in plain view.

It was obvious what the Morouns were doing.

They wanted to protect their bridge monopoly.

So they floated absurd arguments about free enterprise, as if a monopoly is an example of competitive entrepreneurship.

They paid for lying TV ads.

And they distributed money to legislators.

They got their way.

A committee of the legislators, six of whose seven members took Moroun cash, killed the bridge bill so it couldn’t be considered by the entire Legislature.

And why can’t the measure even now be brought before the full Senate and House?

That is a mystery. Unless it has to do with money. Moroun money, in other legislators’ pockets.

Well, we know enough.

The Morouns corrupted our system here in Michigan.

Michigan is a microcosm of the nation.

What happened here is happening, has happened or will happen anywhere else where money from rich people can buy votes and ads.

And that is everywhere in the country.

So thank you, Matty.

You have taught us all a powerful lesson about democracy in America.

It can be polluted for a price, and the richer you get, the easier the polluting.

Drop me a line at joelthurtell@gmail.com

Posted in Me & Matty | Tagged , , , | 1 Comment

Congresswoman puzzled: If Conyers doesn’t stink, why do I?

Posted on November 6, 2011 by hro50ta1

By Joel Thurtell

U.S. Rep. Laura Richardson wonders why she has to obey rules that other members have gotten away with breaking.

Richardson, a California Democrat, named a Michigan congressman as a previous flagrant offender who got off scot-free.

Richardson asks why Michigan Democratic U.S. Rep. John Conyers was given a get-out-of-jail-free card for requiring his congressional staffers to do partisan political work on government-paid time while she is being investigated for the same kind of behavior.

She sent a letter to her House inquisitors comparing her case to the investigation of Conyers that resulted from November 21, 2003 Detroit Free Press articles co-written by me about Conyers’ misuse of staff for political and personal work.

According to Politico, “Richardson noted that previous ethics cases based on similar allegations, such as that involving Rep. John Conyers (D-Mich.), ended with a public letter warning Conyers not to engage in such behavior going forward. Conyers was the subject of a three-year probe by the Ethics Committee for using his staff for improper campaign and personal activities, including babysitting his kids.

Her question is a good one, even though her logic is less than compelling.

Richardson seems to think that if one member is allowed to violate ethics and/or legal requirements, then all members should have the same permission.

In other words, if one congressperson steals taxpayer money or goods, why can’t they all steal government money and resources?

I don’t think her argument will persuade members of the House Ethics Committee to back off their probe of allegations that she assigned her congressional staffers to do political work on the government dime.

But I appreciate her bringing up the Conyers case. What Conyers got away with, I suspect, was a much bigger rip-off than the transgressions Richardson is suspected of.

Like Richardson, I wonder why Conyers got off with a slap on the wrist.

The most amazing experience for me when I investigated Conyers for the Detroit Free Press in 2003 was the time I phoned the campaign office of Carol Moseley Braun in Chicago and talked to one of her campaign aides who happened to be on the government clock as a congressional staffer for Conyers.

The aide was supposed to be organizing a meeting of Conyers’ constituents in Dearborn, but Conyers assigned him to do campaign work for Braun.

I verified that the aide received his Congressional pay check for the period when he was playing political hack in Chicago.

Another Michigan congressman, Charles Diggs, went to prison for assigning his congressional aides to work for his family funeral home on government-paid time.

Among a variety of felonies, the feds nailed Diggs for mail fraud, because he signed time cards for the congressional/mortuary employees and mailed them to Washington, DC for processing.

Wonder who signed the time cards for that Conyers staffer whose efforts were diverted to a campaign office in Chicago?

The only difference I can see between Diggs and Conyers is that Diggs went to prison.

Posted in Bad government, JC & Me | Tagged , , , | 1 Comment

That you, DeWayne?

Posted on November 5, 2011 by hro50ta1

By Joel Thurtell

It’s been light years since I thought about the crook, DeWayne Boyd.

Boyd, or maybe a Boyd impersonator, posted this comment on JOTR:

With your help…Six yrs was taken from my life for fraudulent political gamesmanship….

Its source was “Anonymous.”

Who’s trying to tell me something?

Is it the real scam artist DeWayne Boyd, ex-con, sprung from federal prison?

Or is DeWayne Boyd just playing with the warden’s computer?

Is this some kind of threat?

With your help…Six yrs was taken from my life for fraudulent political gamesmanship….

With MY help?

Oh, come on, DeWayne,, or whoever you are. You helped yourself. Pretty damned stupid, pocketing $162,000 entrusted to you for a black farmers’ convention, $50,000 of it taxpayer money from the United States Department of Agriculture.

You were convicted in Detroit federal court of mail fraud, making false declarations under oath, making false statements to investigators, bankruptcy fraud and theft of government property.

Then, before you could be sentenced,  you jumped bail.

That was cool, living on the lam in Ghana.

High life in Accra.

Till the feds found you.

Back you came to a Detroit courtroom.

You earned that prison sentence, DeWayne.

Didn’t need any help.

“Fraudulent political gamesmanship”?

That was you, DeWayne, gaming the system.

And losing.

Oh yes, what DID you do with that 162K?

Excuse me while I pull out my files on the REAL DeWayne Boyd.

Coming soon: Those cute Thanksgiving turkeys — DeWayne Boyd and John Conyers.

That’s not a threat. It’s a promise.

Drop me a line at joelthurtell@gmail.com

Posted in JC & Me | Tagged , | 1 Comment

Caution: bridge ‘disturbed’

Posted on November 4, 2011 by hro50ta1

By Joel Thurtell

We, the staff of joelontheroad.com, found an odd document posted on the Internet.

It purports to be from Matthew Moroun, son of Detroit’s Ambassador Bridge titan Manuel “Matty” Moroun.

As journalists, we feel duty-bound to publish this document as a historical record.

However, we also feel obliged to point out that we believe, based on a reading of internal evidence in the document, that it is a fake.

Therefore, we must issue a warning to readers: Beware of fraudulent matter.

Whatever Matthew Moroun’s faults — all-consuming greed, overweening arrogance and shameless lack of scruples — we believe he could not be guilty of overwhelming stupidity.

Could he?

His father, after all, is a billionaire. Surely the father can afford to hire an editor.

An editor could prevent the son from making the kind of gross errors in logic and grammar that this statement contains.

Therefore, we are convinced that the “Matthew Moroun” whose name appears on top of the following record is a sham, a fake, a phony Moroun.

For instance, what imbecile would write, as the pseudo-Matthew Moroun has, that “the Ambassador Bridge is disturbed” by a judge’s ruling?

We would like to ask Matthew Moroun or his counterfeit counterpart how an inanimate object such as a steel and concrete bridge could be “disturbed” by any human-created event other than, say, a vehicular collision, or maybe an explosion in underground fuel tanks located near the bridge? We are aware that the Moroun family itself has damaged the bridge by neglecting to maintain it in other than superb condition for the comfort and safety of travelers, but we believe the fake Moroun intends to convey that the family bridge is emotionally disturbed by a judge’s ruling. We doubt that any bridge could feel psychological pain stemming from human behavior.

If the bridge’s alleged “disturbance” were the only egregiously dumb remark in this statement, we might let it pass and agree that the real Matthew Moroun was its author. But later in the document, the writer states, “The Ambassador Bridge can only conclude….” Now, who ever heard of a bridge that could think? Who ever heard of a hunk of metal and cement that could consider matters before it and draw logical conclusions? Whoever heard of a bridge being “concerned” about human political events? It is amazing to think that a pile of mortar and girders might pace in its footings at worry over a judge’s ruling, although that is what the ersatz Matthew Moroun would like us to believe.

The remainder of the statement — where to begin? — is a quagmire of ridiculous and downright ludicrous pomposities. We will reserve further comment. Here is the statement of “Matthew Moroun”:

November 3, 2001

Statement of Matthew Moroun (in response to Judge Edward’s Opinion and Order dated today):

The Ambassador Bridge is disturbed by the ruling of Judge Prentis Edwards, Sr. today. The evidence from prior hearings has showed (sic) that the Ambassador Bridge has built the disputed portions of the Gateway Project pursuant to the parties’ agreements and Judge Edwards’ orders.

The opinion issued today has no legal or factual basis. The Ambassador Bridge can only conclude that the politics in Lansing have influenced this lawsuit. The Ambassador Bridge is concerned that the following facts may have influenced this lawsuit. The Ambassador Bridge is concerned that the following facts may have influenced the Court’s decision:

1. Judge Edwards’s son, Prentis Edwards Jr., has sought approval from Governor Snyder to be an appointed judge to the 36th District Court.

2. The Michigan Legislature, to the dismay of Governor Rick Snyder, rejected legislation approving the State of Michigan’s involvement in a government bridge.

3. Governor Snyder continues to be the chief proponent of a government bridge, and vowed in Ottawa, Canada just yesterday that the government bridge will be built.

4. Remarkably, Judge Edwards has even ordered my father to appear before him under the threat of being jailed.

We have been bracing for a backlash stemming from the Senate Committee’s rejection of the Governor’s bridge. Now we have it.

The ramps from the freeway to the Ambassador Bridge are complete and the Ambassador Bridge is waiting on MDOT or the Court or the Governor to just open them for the benefit of the public.

-­-­END-­-

JOTR analysis:

First, our search of the Michigan Bar Directory database did not turn up a licensed attorney in Michigan named Matthew Moroun. Matthew Moroun is not an attorney, and certainly not a judge. He has no standing to say whether or not the judge’s ruling “has no legal or factual basis.” And, of course, the judge’s ruling DOES have factual and legal standing, by virtue of the facts that Prentis Edwards IS a member of the Michigan bar and he IS an elected judge.

What does Matthew Moroun’s “judgment” amount to?

Gas.

1. If it is true that Judge Edwards’ son is seeking judicial appointment, how does that relate to the Ambassador Bridge case that the senior Edwards is considering? The case was filed by the Michigan Department of Transportation years ago, before Rick Snyder was elected governor. There is no logical connection between the judicial case and any ambitions the younger Edwards might or might not have.

2. The Michigan Legislature has NOT rejected legislation to approve the state’s role in building a new international bridge between Canada and the U.S. at Detroit. To say the Legislature has acted is an outright lie. No, what actually happened is this: A committee of the Legislature composed of seven members voted or abstained from voting and prevented the entire Legislature from considering the bridge legislation. Six of the seven committee members accepted bribes — oops! we mean legal campaign contributions — from the Morouns.

3. Governor Snyder is NOT the only proponent of a new bridge. The governor was elected a year ago and only came out for a new bridge early this year. The Big Three automakers, chambers of commerce across the state, all living Michigan governors and every knowledgeable human being untouched by the Moroun’s corruption are in favor of the new bridge.

4. It is true that Judge Edwards has ordered Moroun senior to appear in court. The judge briefly jailed an employee of Matty Moroun, and if his honor finds the billionaire in contempt, he could indeed toss the billionaire into the slammer.

AND ABOUT TIME!

Why there has been all this judicial pussy-footing around the Moroun family is incomprehensible to us here at joelontheroad.com. The Morouns put their pants on one leg at a time, just like you and me. Why has it taken so long for the judge to threaten the real kingpin of the bridge, Matty Moroun, with time in stir?

Why has another judge allowed Matty Moroun to illegally squat on the city of Detroit’s public park land despite the city’s efforts to evict the billionaire in court starting three years ago?

The answer can only be that the Morouns have so polluted every corner of the bridge issue with money and eternal lawsuits that nobody involved in these matters can draw rational conclusions.

Far from a judge being “influenced” by some unproven relationship between his son and the governor, the showering by the Morouns of millions of dollars as gifts to elected officials and for political advertisements is a blatant and so far successful attempt at seducing and corrupting the governmental process.

Setting the corrupt Legislature aside, why has the judicial system taken so long to threaten Matty with jail?

Does anyone think that a non-billionaire who showed such contempt for our system would have escaped being jailed?

Drop me a line at joelthurtell@gmail.com

Posted in Me & Matty | Tagged , , , | 2 Comments

Who’s the dummy?

Posted on November 3, 2011 by hro50ta1

A play in one act

By Marty Widemargin

JOTR Dramatist

SCENE 1: Oak-paneled board room of Detroit bridge company. Long oak-topped table surrounded by oak-armed swivel chairs. Room is empty save for Old Man who is busy coloring the face of a mannequin.

SOLILOQUOY by Old Man: So the judge thinks he can make me come to court, does he? Nobody tells Lord Matty what to do! I’ll show Hizzoner whose honor he has. It’s My Honor! Am I not a billionaire? Yes, by gumption, that is what I am! How did I get to be a billionaire? By doing what judges tell me to do? No, sirree! I buy anything I want. Anybody gets in my way, I buy them or destroy them. But this judge is a pain in the kaiser roll. Does he really think he can put me in jail? I can do what I want to do. Nobody puts King Matty in jail! Now, who’s that at the door?

SONNY BOY: Hey, Daddy-O. Why so glum? That damn judge is all through. I’ve got his number.

OLD MAN: What you gonna do, Sonny Boy? Send some shotgun totin’ goons to fix his wagon?

SONNY BOY: Nothin’ that crude, Daddy-O.  I’m gonna slander the son of a bitch. Make up some bullshit story about the judge and heave it out to the news media. They been beatin’ up on you, it’s time they beat up on the judge an’ the governor.

OLD MAN: That judge is a pain in the kaiser roll. What kinda bullshit you gonna throw the media dogs?

SONNY BOY: Pain in the keister, Daddy O. Not kaiser roll. Here’s what I’m thinkin’, Daddy-O. What if we pretend the judge has a CONFLICT OF INTEREST?

OLD MAN: What CONFLICT OF INTEREST you thinkin’ of? How about an affair with the governor’s wife?

SONNY BOY: No, no, no, Daddy-O. Way too crude.

OLD MAN: Well, how ’bout the judge has an affair with the governor?

SONNY BOY: No, no, no, Daddy-O. It’s got to be somethin’ the dupes of the press will believe. Nothin’ much. See, the beauty of a CONFLICT OF INTEREST is that once we put out a press release that the judge has a CONFLICT OF INTEREST, well, he HAS a CONFLICT OF INTEREST whether he do or don’t!

OLD MAN: I don’t get it.

SONNY BOY: I’m gonna say that the judge’s SON wants a favor from the governor. The governor wants a new bridge that will run our old bridge out of business. So we don’t like the governor. The judge wants you to tear down some gas pumps and your duty-free store because they don’t comply with your contract with the state highway department. That happens to be true, but we don’t care because we do what billionaires do and the truth be screwed. The judge’s been rulin’ against your bridge since long before the governor was a governor, but the numbskulls from the press won’t remember that. So we don’t like the governor and we don’t like the judge. How can we smear the judge? Very simple. We accuse his son of wanting a favor from the governor and put out a press release and say that is a CONFLICT OF INTEREST.

OLD MAN: I don’t get it. How’s the judge’s son wanting a favor from the governor connect the judge to the governor in a CONFLICT OF INTEREST? It doesn’t make sense.

SONNY BOY: Now you got it! It doesn’t make sense! It doesn’t HAVE to make sense. The press will swallow it whole because they don’t have any sense. Nothing has to make sense to the media for them to slobber all over it and act like it’s manna from heaven.

OLD MAN: I think I get it. It doesn’t make sense, so it makes sense.

SONNY BOY: Right you are, Daddy O! It’s a non sequitude! It do not follow. That is the beauty of it. We paint the judge with a phony rap of CONFLICT OF INTEREST. Our claim is bullshit. But by making a claim of CONFLICT aimed straight at the judge, we create a CONFLICT OF INTEREST between us and the judge. How can he be fair in our bridge case when we’re slandering him?

OLD MAN: Slime a judge! I love it. We call the judge names, then claim he can’t be just because we crapped all over him. Sonny Boy, you are a genius!

SONNY BOY: Why’re you’re colorin’ the face of that mannequin, Daddy O?

OLD MAN: I’m not goin’ to court. You’re gonna take this dummy and tell the judge it’s me.

Posted in Joel's J School, Me & Matty | Tagged , | 1 Comment

Bear stroganoff

Posted on October 31, 2011 by hro50ta1

By Joel Thurtell

What I’ve learned about playing the French horn is that you can’t warm up too much.

The more you play those scales, up and down, the more limber the lip and the better the ensuing performance.

Same could, I suspect, be said about cooking bear.

The more I prepare myself for the task of cooking this — to me — exotic meat, the better the chance that the experience of eating it will be good.

Not everyone thinks this will be a culinary delight.

My Canadian friends tell me bears are “trash.”

They liken them to pigs.

Now, I have nothing against pigs. In the days when we lived on a farm, we used to raise pigs.

I’ll write about that some day, but right now, I’m thinking about bear. I was thinking a lot about bear this past summer while I stayed at our summer cottage in McGregor Bay, Ontario, where more than 40 cottages were broken into by hungry or just plain curious bears sniffing out the humans’ goodies.

Last summer in the Bay, four “nuisance” bears were shot.

By law, we are not allowed to consume the meat of bears shot in so-called self-defense, so those four bears were left to the vultures.

What a waste.

My Canadian neighbors tell me bear meat is not worth the bother of cooking.

They were given a big hunk of bear flesh by an American hunter who shot a bear in our neck of the Bay.

I offered to swap some conventional meat — beef or chicken — for their bear, but they wouldn’t hear of it.

They donated their big chunk of bear to me.

Now I’m trying to figure out how to cook it.

I mentioned in an earlier column how a friend served a dish I took for beef stroganoff, only mentioning after we’d eaten that it was wild goose.

Goose stroganoff.

Well, I think when I finally pull that hunk of bruin out of the freezer, stroganoff will be the recipe du jour.

One thing is sure: I’ve learned from a posting by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention that I will cook my bear meat for a long time.

Maybe the reason my Canadian friends likened bear to pig is that like the pig, bears carry trichinosis, a nasty parasite that I don’t want to get or pass on to my guests.

Maybe another reason people don’t like bear is that they don’t know how to cook it.

In addition to cooking it a long time to kill parasites, the meat should be treated as a delicacy, not as a run-of-the-mill piece of supermarket meat.

I would not, therefore, waste my piece of bear on this stroganoff recipe from cooks.com:

1 lb. cubed bear meat
1 can cream of mushroom soup
1 pkg. brown gravy mix
1 pkg. French onion
Rice
Cook bear meat until well done; drain excess fat in frying pan. Mix all ingredients with bear meat and bring to a boil, simmer for 30 minutes. Serve over rice or noodles.

My beef with these instructions is with the use of canned soup. Ever check the list of ingredients on a can of soup? Why let a Campbell’s factory determine the flavor of the food you prepare?

For that matter, why waste good bear grease on a commercial gravy mix?

Bear is a delicacy. It deserves royal treatment.

Time was when I made beef stroganoff with ground beef and, yes, Campbell’s cream of mushroom soup.

I got complaints from my younger son, Abe. He hated stroganoff.

I started shopping for better cuts of meat. No more ground beef. I used top round or even sirloin steak.

And I stopped using canned soup.

I substituted red wine.

Good red wine.

I don’t cook with wine I wouldn’t drink with a meal.

I prefer a decent French wine, say a Bordeaux or Côtes du Rhône.

Then there is the onion. I like lots of onion. I used to use onion sparingly. Nowadays, I use an entire large white or yellow onion. I slice it at right angles to the rings in roughly 1/8-inch tranches. Then I chop the tranches into halves and sometimes quarters. I fry the onion in a pan on the stove top in melted butter.

Notice that I don’t specify amounts. That’s because how much wine, onion and other ingredients I use depends a lot on such variables as the size of the meal I’m cooking and, more important, my mood at the time of cooking. How much of any element I install is a function of the way I feel at the moment.

Artists talk of “installations.”

Cooking is an art.

Why not think of “installing” ingredients?

Garlic is not an option.

It is a pure necessity.

So we’ll slice at least two big cloves of garlic for our bear stroganoff.

I use very little or no salt in cooking.

If people want salt, they can use the shaker at the table.

Some people have an aversion to salt. Others can’t tolerate it for health reasons. Others love huge doses of salt. How is the chef to know? Let them administer their salt themselves.

I plan to cut the bear meat into roughly 1-inch cubes. I’ll brown the cubes in butter while the onions are being softened and browned in a separate pan.

Now, here is a thought: Fresh mushrooms. Yes, I think I’ll also fry a large batch of sliced fresh mushrooms in butter and the same wine I will use to cook the meat.

Now, I have a choice: I could combine all ingredients into a crock pot and let the whole thing simmer for several hours.

Toward the end, I could add lots of chopped fresh parsley or basil. Or both.

Alternatively, I could put the ingredients together in my new deep fry pan, cover it, and let it simmer on the stove top for a long time.

Whether I use the crock pot or the stove top, I should make sure there is plenty of liquid so the meat doesn’t dry out.

By “liquid,” I mean wine.

I ran this proto-recipe past my older son, Adam.

“Sounds good. How about bacon?”

Okay, good idea: There will be bacon, too.

I’m not planning on cooking my bear until the Christmas holidays, when both sons will be home for a visit.

Between now and then, my recipe could change.

I’ll report on the actual culinary event after it happens.

Oh yes, and maybe at the end, I’ll stir in a big helping of sour cream.

Drop me a line at joelthurtell@gmail.com

Posted in Cookin' crazy with Joel, Wildlife | 1 Comment