By Luke Warm
Professor of Mendacity
University of Munchausen
As I have said so many times, the Republican party is second only to me, a highly-trained Professor of the Duplicitous Arts, in deceiving the public on matters of public and private policy.
In a recent lecture, I promised to sketch my plan for saving Social Security.
I am hoping Mr. Newt Gingrich, one of the finest liars in a GOP stable of formidable bullshit-slingers, will pick up my plan.
Of course, I will expect to reap my usual high fees for saving him from ruining his campaign for President by sailing over the shoal waters of Social Security.
Mr. Newt Gingrich’s position paper on Social Security is a monument to mendacity:
Growth and innovation means securing and strengthening Social Security by empowering Americans to invest in personal savings accounts. This gives Americans ownership over their retirement and the opportunity to unleash the power of the market to have prosperous retirements beyond their most optimistic expectations, while also wiping out all future liabilities in the system.
Soon, I will spin out my own plan for saving Social Security.
Loud applause from students. Cries of “Tell us now! Now! We want to know! We’ll take it to Newt!”
Okay, students. Please tell Mr. Newt Gingrich to put my plan where the least light will shine on it.
My plan is simple. Even a dunce could accomplish it.
Each and every citizen of the United States will become a consultant just as Mr. Newt Gingrich has done.
Each and every citizen will incorporate a “think tank.”
Then, each and every citizen will go out and get a contract with a quasi-governmental body such as Freddie Mac or some health care entity on the make, all of which have paid Mr. Newt Gingrich’s “think tanks” more than $37 million.
I am not greedy.
I could retire nicely on $37 million plus change.
So forget Social Security.
Be a consultant.
You’ll reap a retirement beyond your most optimistic expectations!
