By Joel Thurtell
We’ve already learned from my star columnist, Peppermint Patti, why she thinks my idea of reading newspapers on my laptop is bad, bad, bad.
I have only one lap.
It can hold a laptop computer.
Or it can hold a laptop dog.
My lap does not have room for both.
But in the last couple days, I’ve thought of other reasons not to cancel my print subscription to The New York Times.
(1) I had to pack some post-Christmas presents for shipping. The Times — especially its sports, style and food sections — make excellent packing material. Very little hesitation time wasted deciding to use them because I rarely read those pages. Just wad individual broadsheets into tight balls and stuff them into your box.
(2) A broadsheet piece of The Times makes a great catchment basin over the sink when I trim my beard. The Times keeps my bathroom tidy. Well, it helps. Let’s not go further with this.
(3) I know there was a third reason for using The Times, but can’t recall it right off hand. Give me a minute. I’ll go back and read Paul Krugman’s column. Maybe Paul will shake the idea loose.
Oh yes! Of course! I go through this ritual so seldom that it escaped my memory for a fleeting moment.
(3) Igniting wood in the fireplace.
Caution: There are downsides to all of these uses for discarded issues of The Times.
(1) After you wad those sheets of The Times and pack your box, you have to wash ink off your hands.
(2) The Times does not make a perfect whisker-catcher. Care must be taken in lifting the paper, or stray hairs could cascade into the sink, onto the counter or even onto the floor.
(3) The Times could be almost too good at starting fires. The sudden rush of heat from newsprint being consumed at 451 degrees Fahrenheit can set off fumes from previous wood fires that may be lingering in your chimney. Once it starts burning, a creosote fire in a chimney is pretty hard to extinguish. I started a godawful fire in an old brick chimney by burning newspapers to start a fire in an ancient furnace and will never forget the noise. It sounded like a freight train running through the house. So beware! The Times could set your house on fire.
Those are my reasons for keeping, for now, my subscription to the printed Times.
Well, along with the (4) comfort of sipping coffee and turning pages on a cold winter morning.
All four reasons currently are under review.
Drop me a line at joelthurtell(at)gmail.com
