Sayings of Hank Fonde

Some people are just natural-born poets.

One of those people was Hank Fonde, my father-in-law.

Longtime University of Michigan football fans will remember Hank as a key player on the UM squad in the mid and late 1940s. He was originally from Tennessee, and his sayings have a strong southern flavor. But you get the sense that wherever he was from, Hank would have loved language.

He came from Knoxville to UM through the Navy’s V-12 program during World War II. The government wanted more aeronautical engineers, so Hank studied engineering. He was a Seaman Second Class in the Navy, but at the same time he was a UM student. But the classes that really mattered to Hank were all about football. He showed me his notebook from a class he took from legendary UM football coach Fritz Crisler. It was all about plays. Hank’s younger son. Mark Fonde of Ann Arbor, has a now somewhat dilapidated looking sack of pigskin with yellow letters painted on it: “Michigan – 7, Ohio, 3 1945”. Ohio State scored their field goal early, but the winning — and only — touchdown in that game was scored in the fourth quarter. By Hank. Somebody made a movie called “Seven Touchdowns in January” about the 1948 Rose Bowl game UM played against Southern Cal. the score was Michigan 49, USC zip. On the film, you can see Hank, a halfback, scooting around Southern Cal players and lofting the football for a touchdown.

For 10 years in the 1950s, Hank coached football at Ann Arbor High School from 1949-58. In his first eight years, his team lost one game. His total win-loss-tied record was 69 wins, six losses and four ties. Four of the losses occurred his last year, when he and his players knew he was leaving to coach at UM.

From 1959-68, he coached at UM under Bump Elliott where the win-loss record was nothing to brag about, though the team won a Jan. 1, 1965 Rose Bowl game against Oregon State, 34-7.

This is all by way of introducing this guy who, though afflicted with Alzheimer’s Disease, can still call a close play better than the refs. And he can still make a good joke.

Most of the sayings we came to expect from Hank are now beyond his grasp. [written before Hank died in 2009] So it was that a few years ago his kids put together a collection of Hankisms. Some are original, some are not. A few came from his late wife, Edith Jensen Fonde. All of them helped define a warm-hearted man with a great sense of humor.

DADDYISMS (and other wisdoms)

Greetings and Farewells, Toasts and Other Occasions

My most pious regards!

Put ‘er there for ninety days! (Upon shaking hands)

Good mornin’, Blessed Sunshine! Where’ve you been all the forenoon?

Exclamations

Hockapookachinktow! [useful in admiring a sneeze]

Ding-bust-it!

Admiration

That’s very becoming to your peculiar style of beauty.

That’s a pretty plain and fancy pair of high water britches you got on.

Them pants fit you pretty quick! (too small)

That’s a long drink of water! (Tall person)

That’s a firm understanding! (Large pair of feet)

That’s a dog-and-a-half long and a half-a-dog high dog. (A dachshund.)

That dog is about a foot high and a yard wide.

I like them whistle britches! (Corduroys)

Farts

Who fired that shot?

Blessed are the lips that speak with no tongue!

Whoops! That’s still workin’! ”

Complaint department

Some low-down, dirty, good-for-nothin’, thievin’, cussin’, cattle-rustlin’ dirty dawwwg…put GLUE ON MY SADDLE!

Some low-down, dirty, good-for-nothin’, chewed-out, horse-bitten, flea-hound, bow-legged, cross-eyed, knock-kneed, pigeon-toed crook… (you get the idea)

He’s crazy as a blind dog in a meathouse.

Looks like the north end of a southbound mule.

That’s about as exciting as watching a wall of paint dry.

That feller could run all day in the shade of a french privy!

That tastes like sticking your tongue out the window when it’s raining! ( A Mommyism, from the Danes)

Advice

Lock the doors–they’re comin’ in the windows!

Shut the doors, you’re lettin’ all the flies out!

Shoot him in the pants–the coat and vest belong to me! (upon hearing a loud noise)

Ride hard, shoot straight, and speak the shining truth.

You’re up that well known creek with no means of locomotion.

All aboard if you’re going aboard; if you can’t get a board, get a plank.

There’s going to be a gully-washer and a sod-lifter!

Check the angle of the dangle.

Have another big orange! (Used mostly as a comment on awkward, silly, or other behaviors that suggest the subject has had too MANY Big Oranges!)

If at first you don’t suck a seed [succeed], get another seed and suck again!

Encouragement

Bless your little pointed head! (A Mommyism!)

Come over here and I’ll pick you up. (when a child falls down)

Did the floor jump up and hit ya?

It’ll cure what ails you, whether it do or don’t.

It’ll make you fat ‘n funny.

It’ll stick to your ribs and make your hair curl.

That’ll hold till the cows come home.

I’m proud to know ya!

Grandiosity

From the hills of East Tennessee, home of Andrew Jackson, Andrew Johnson, Cordell Hull, Jellybean Birchfield, and other great American statesmen.

It’s plumb and half a bubble over! (originally from Uncle Ib Jensen)

Easy as shootin’ fish in shallow water!

Passed him like he was nailed to the ground.

Sure as I’m a foot high and a yard wide.

They turned up half his leg for a foot. (short guy)

It’s hotter than the hinges of Hades.

Miscellaneous

How can you keep your feet still when I can’t hardly? (On hearing good music)

(That’ll happen’!) the good Lord willin’ and the creek don’t rise.

Shall we dance? (Upon trying to pass another person walking the other way)

Great! [Grate!] — Like the fireplace.

He’s a scallawag and a scoundrelly beast!

She’s a bright-eyed, bushy-tailed williwag!

You think you can get on the outside of all that? (in regards to a large serving or meal)

[Dad, what’s that for?] …For a while.

[Dad, what’s that?] It’s a whatchamadiddle (debobbo) to grind smoke. (Or whimmydoodle to grind smoke, probably a more common one.)

[Dad, whatcha doin’? (when what he’s doing is obvious)] I’m milking a duck.

That’s a nice tree … don’t you? (referring to a Christmas tree one year)

Give it a lick and a promise. (Patch it up and fix it later.)

Everybody out of the pool!!

What does the kee-kee bird say? “Kee-kee-kee-rist it’s cold in here!” (Actually a Skala-ism)

What does the kee-kee bird do? Flies in ever-diminishing circles until he flies up (the posterior portion of his anatomy!) (Another Skala-ism)

Mom: “Henry, does this dress make me look fat?”
Dad: “It’s the fat that makes you look fat”

You’re a little short on one end!

I done et too free!

Ain’t we done good?

You dropped the set out of your ring. (After a loud noise.)

That shot got it! ! (Or: That got shot it!)

It’s a matter of Thermogodynamics.

It’ll make ya po’ to tote it! (Poor to tote it, i.e., it’s damn heavy!)

Seasonal sayings

“He filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk, and said, ‘Mark, let’s get the hell out of here!” (Although Chuck insists he has never heard Dad use that kind of language.)

General wisdom

Can’t never could do anything.

Defeat of de cat went over de fence before detail.

“I see,” said the blind man, as he picked up his hammer and saw.

Well, it mount… but then ag’in, it mountain (mountâ’nd). [Well, it might, but then again, it mightn’t. This probably is a direct descendent of Shakesperean English in them thar hills.]

And as a final word,

Anything worth doing is worth doing right!

Collected by the children of Henry Fonde, who had lots of good advice while we grew up! November, 2003, updated December, 04.

Email me at joelthurtell(at)gmail.com