Peppermint Patti
By Peppermint Patti
Neither thing is something to brag about, Sophie.
You ask how I felt.
You have also asked, Sophie, why I did it.
Well, scaring a lumbering lard-brain* up a tree leaves a dog feeling about the same as when she lost her virginity.
Where?
At our place in Canada.
Oh, I see your drift.
My virginity?
At the pound, Sophie.
Consensual?
Of course!
Do you think a dog who chases a berry-gobbler* up a pine tree would stand for some pooch taking her by force in the so-called “Humane Society”?
I wonder what you would have done, Sophie, black lumbering lab that you are.
You begin to remind me of the lout I treed.
My weight at the moment, Sophie, if you must know, is 16 of what two-leggers call “founds.”
I heard my two-legger say my tree pig* weighed in at 200 founds.
A 200-found claw mechanic* is nothing to trifle with.
If you like, Sophie, I’ll tell you the story.
You will need to silence your yapper.
No-no-no! It happened in the pound, he was quite the gentle-dog, his intentions were as honorable as any labrapoodle’s, and I’m sure if my two-leggers hadn’t adopted me, he would have done the right thing by me. We were separated post-cushion*.
No! I had NOT been fixed.
Not at that time.
Thank my two-leggers for that little “gift.”
Now, do you want to hear how I scared that sleep-monger* out of its wits?
I approach a tree pig no differently than if it were a squirrel.
There is no sense showing an ounce of timidity.
Size of adversary, Sophie, is of no consequence.
It’s all in the bark.
Except the dashing and feinting are a big thing, too.
Tree pigs do not like little dogs with big mouths.
They are not used to being challenged by small mammals.
In that way, they are similar to some dogs I know.
Not to mention two-leggers.
Surprise is the name of the game, Sophie.
Shock and paw.
Did I bite him?
Are you kidding me?
Did you see the size of his claws?
I took a long look at them.
That was after my two-legger butted in.
Fun was over.
Typical two-legger behavior.
They always steal the show.
Who put the berry-brain* up the tree?
The dog, that is who.
Me!
What a sight it was, Sophie — a huge tree pig balanced on that little branch.
Scat-for-brains* did not think it funny.
Have you ever heard a tree pig hiss?
Hiss away, my friend, is what I barked.
Hiss and curse for all you’re worth.
You, Mr. Hibernator, are the one who climbed up a tree.
Hey, pigs DO fly!
Now what’s your plan?
My plan was simple. Yap and yap and yap.
Noise works!
My two-legger spoiled that plan with his blunder stick.
Teddy butt* came tumbling down.
I got a good look at the claws.
Ugly in life, elegant in death.
You ask why I did it — drove a berry-butt up a tree.
Because it needed to be done, Sophie.
What if he figured out I only weigh 16 founds?
Or that a haircut would cut my bulk by half?
Time is an advantage, Sophie.
It pays to make your move as soon as yappable.
Always time to think later.
Same as what happened in the pound with me and the labrapoodle, Sophie.
We seized the moment. Good thing we did. Each of us cherishes the memory, though our fate was to be cleaved away from each other for life.
I’ll never forget my handsome, charming labrapoodle, Sophie.
Any more than I’ll forget the claws on that lazy berry-bum*.
* Lard-brain — Patti means a bear — Ed.
* Berry-gobbler seems to be another reference to a bear — Ed.
* Tree pig — undoubtedly signifies bear — Ed.
*Again, I think “claw mechanic” means “claw maniac” means bear — Ed.
* Could Patti mean “post-coition”? — Ed.
* “Sleep-monger” seems once again to be Patti’s reference to a bear. Bears hibernate in winter, hence — perhaps — “sleep-monger.” It appears that Patti has little respect for the custom of hibernation — Ed.
* Scat-for-brains — could this also mean “bear”? — Ed.
* Teddy butt — shorthand for teddy bear? — Ed.
* Berry-bum seems, once more, to mean a bear — Ed.
